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Top 40 things you won't ever hear from a Harley rider
(An oldie but a goodie)
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40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Hey, Peaches? I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.

35. We don't keep no firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Hey, Peaches? Did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and whole wheat toast instead of the biscuits and gravy.

25. Listen, Peaches. I love animals too, but we just don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn about NASCAR? Let's watch soccer!

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Nope. I’m going to have to say quits after this new ink. Ten tattoos is enough for any man.

21. Smoking is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at K-Mart today.

19. I wonder if I can get some quieter pipes?

18. Hand me that metric wrench there.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind."

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Light beer just tastes better.

13. Sturgis is too far to ride to.

12. Brass knuckles and chains are for sissies. I prefer kung-fu!

11. Hustler? No, I subscribe to National Geographic.

10. I shaved my beard because it made me look like a inbred redneck hill scoggin.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. Do these leather chaps make my ass look too big?

4. I'd like to open this annual meeting of the International Neurosurgery Association with a poem written by Robert Frost ...

3. I’m thinking of going back to school.

2. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer there, Peaches. I mean, hell, your ass is showing when you ride behind me.

... and the number one thing you will never hear a Harley owner say:

1. No more for me. I'm ridin'!
 

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Owned by marriage
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HEHEHEH thats the 1st time i have ever heard that.

+10
 

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No limit hypocrite
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1,695 Posts
How about.. "Man, that is just TOO MUCH chrome".
 

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This was originally posted to Usenet many years ago. By "Michael Manning" This is the new updated and improved fortified version. With new and improved spelling and punctuation errors.

* If you don't own a Harley now, don't get one because if you haven't been riding one since 1903 you're not a real Harley rider so don't bug me you poser fag.

* Big twins are real Harleys; Sportsters are training Harleys you poor confused fool.

* Shovelheads are real Harleys; EVOs are just like a Honda cheesy commonplace and boring. If you had any class, you'd own a shovel. Even old Sportsters, yuck, are better than an EVO yuppie scum!

* EVOs are for smart people, Shovelheads suck and leak oil. You'd have an EVO if you could afford one you impoverished peon.

* Panheads are real Harleys; Shovelheads are just like a Triumph. If you had any class, you'd own a Panhead you fucking pussy.

* Big twin riders who say that Sportsters suck are confused assholes who are too stupid to get "it" you retard!

* Hardtail riders are insane; their values are not the same as mine so they're wrong you psychotic stuck in the past indigent scumbag.

* Hardtail riders are more manly and virile than people who ride bikes that have suspensions you spineless wimp.

* TC88s are just like EVOs, but more so. Jap-like, soulless, and aimed at wussies that can't handle a bike that they need to maintain by themselves. You gullible, overly impulsive, slave to marketing, zombie!

* TC88s are just like EVOs, but more so. Firmly based in tradition, but really modern too! Plus, all the power I need to ride it up the trailer ramp without stalling! I want to go to rallies, damn it, not spend all my time wiping the embarrassing little stains of oil that darken the crinkle paint on the big thingy around the bottom of those two things with the fins on them. You stinky, oil seeping, stuck in the past, Neo-Ludite, slimeball!

* TC88 "riders", if you're generous and stupid enough to call them "riders" at all, are the new bred of trailering, moneyed, losers that are ruining it for the rest of us. The real, anointed, holy, badass, mutherfuckin, true grit riders that have earned it. I'm sick of these parasites infiltrating our ranks. They should be rounded up and forced to wear little furry brown triangles to mark them as the pussies they are. They want tattoos; I'll give um fuckin' tattoos. We'll number these chino-wearing cocksuckers so they can be counted, tracked, inventoried, and then in some glorious day in the future, we can be rid of them, once and for all. Pile um up on their own fuckin' trailers and haul them to a pit. At last, a world filled with nothing but pure superior bikers like me. You posers, ruining it for the rest of us, pieces of shit!

* I've been riding for 50 fuckin' years. Course, I don't ride no more on account of my piles. We didn't need no fuckin' pussy MSF class in those days. No siree bob. We didn't need no fuckin' pussy new fangeled front brake neither. I can't tell you how many bros. we lost because they had a couple or three too many, forgot NOT to use that stupid thing, flipped over, and ended up in a ditch. You callin' me a liar? Were was I? Oh yeah! You, think you're so fuckin' smart, I'll fuckin' show you a god damn thing or two, if I git my hands on you, when I was your age, greenhorn, jagoff, hit you so hard your kids'll be born dizzy, pansy, diaper boy, rapscallion!

* The brand X riders just don't get it. They blow huge amounts of money on the latest new "advanced" technological "innovation" just to be the first guy on the block to have one. Well I'm fuckin' impressed, let me tell you. How fuckin' shallow. The really great thing about Harley is that you can be the first guy on the block to blow huge amounts of money on something without risking that it might be advanced or innovative. That's fuckin' tradition, you imitation Ricky Racer fudge packer!

* Bikers aren't the lowlifes that they used to be; now "real" people ride Harleys you lice infested worthless loser.

* Riding a Harley used to mean something, now any butt reaming wannabe can get one. I don't care if people think I'm an indigent scumbag but I don't want them to think I may be a lawyer or a stockbroker. That would be yucky.

* If you have a job and can afford a Harley, you're a yuppie RUB. BTW, an EVO motor is a dead give away. Oh yeah, and you're gay too.

* I don't get it. I bought the bike I wear the clothes. I buy them rounds of the cheap fuckin' piss-like domestic swill-beer they seem to like. I call my wife "the old lady", the police "the man" and cars "cages". Still, I suspect that I'm not given the consideration I should be given for not flaunting that I'm too good for them. If they could see me at the firm during the week, they'd understand the effort I'm making to blend. You lower class, reverse snob, blue-collar underachiever!

* If you don't put several thousand dollars in performance mods on your bike, you're a spineless wimp with no real soul you insecure poser loser.

* If you do put several thousand dollars worth of mods on your bike, you're a poser scumbag out to impress sixteen-year-old girls you insecure poser loser.

* Real Harley riders have no respect for those who are not one of the elite.

* Real Harley riders attend H.O.G. meetings every Wednesday and try to improve the image of Harley riders and encourage others to start enjoying the thrills of being one of the Harley family.

* H.O.G. members are like "pod-people" following their herding instinct, They are weak and are also toadies for Harley.

* Ex-Jap bike riders are like ex-alcoholics. Hi, my name's Bob and I once owned a Suzuki. I've been clean for ten years now....

* Ex-Sportster riders are like ex-alcoholics. Hi, my name's Bob and I once owned a XLH. I've been clean for ten years now.... One oil change at a time.

* Buells are for the confused. It's not a Harley, it's not a real sport bike, and if they could afford it, they must be yuppies. Scum!

* Harley should dump this retro shit and build a real bike.

* Ducati riders are gay. This guy I work with bought a Ducati from someone that everyone knows is a Homo. He's too stupid to see that this means he must be one too. Got me grinning like one of the fuckin' rednecks from Deliverance for fuck's sake. Even though he does have a real purdy mouth, he's doesn't understand that no Homosexuals ride Harleys, or he'd go out and buy one of those like I did to prove he's not a Homo. You dumb, out of touch, effeminate, chickenhawk patronizing, trend monger!

* If it's not a Harley, it sucks. If you ask why, you're a fag. Love it or leave it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Fuck you.

* Helmets are for fags.

* If you had a brain, you'd protect it. Since you don't, I'll pass a law you dick.

* Rare bikes should be bought for collectors' value and never ridden so that they'll be around for years. `83 XR1000 0 miles, $15,000.00

* Every bike should be ridden. If it isn't, you shouldn't own it you poser yuppie born insecure motherfucker.

* People who ride rare bikes have no respect for the importance of the history they are destroying you lowlife redneck.

* Drag pipes are a sign of a lowlife moron with no respect for others. Who you trying to impress? You insecure poser loser.

* Drag pipes are the sign of a real Harley owned by a real Harley rider. They are as American as date rape on prom night! You insecure poser loser.

* It's nice that Harley is attempting to clean up its image. They license their logo only to very good quality vendors these days you get what you pay for but you pay for the name at the same time.

* Harley dealers now suck. They are full of overpriced Taiwanese clothing and lick and stick tattoos for poser balding accountants and their porcine issue.

* Tell you what, I'll stop bathing, start dressing like an ex-con version of the biker guy from the Village People, threaten my boss, and then I'll run right out and get a fuckin' lobotomy so I cam hang out with these knuckle dragging lowlifes. Will that make you happy? Jeez, I can't fuckin' wait. How come these new order pseudo Bolsheviks always associate themselves with Vietnam? Apparently they fought on the communist side the way they preach class warfare. Bikers of the world unite! Excuse the fuck out of me for not being semi-employable. Fuck you comrade Gomer! Go fuck yourself, you cheap semiskilled laborer!

* The fuckin' MoFoCo is totally ungrateful to me for that Sportster I bought in `74. It was a piece of shit, everyone knew it, but I bought it anyhow. That's what I call fuckin' loyalty. They fuckin' own me! If it weren't for me, where would Harley be now, huh? I'm more loyal and worthy than you are! Harley only wants you for your money! Harley doesn't love you. Harley's just using you. You just can't understand the special thing we had together. You could never understand! Even Harley doesn't understand. What we had was beyond love man! That's why I cut my ear off and sent it to Harley. Harley will understand now, oh yes. Harley will come back to me someday, you'll see. Then what'll you do, huh? Whose gonna buy your bike then? Then you'll be the one with the 500-ft. restraining order on you. You Johnny-come-lately, good time Charley!

* Harley is in league with the trilateral commission and the United Nations to subjugate us all. They are using marketing and black helicopters to artificially inflate the prices of the bikes we have a God given constitutional right to. It will leave us weak and economically defenseless from their blue helmeted coming oppression. WAKE UP!! You head up your ass credulous fool!

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' Sportbike riders.

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' BMW riders.

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' Harley riders.

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' EVO owners.

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' TC88 owners.

* Look, it's just that they plain don't get it that's all. It's sad really `cause it's like so obvious what's really important in life, but they just can't see it. They all dress alike and cop this fuckin' `tude that their bikes are better than our bikes and what they want from a motorcycle is the only thing anyone should want. I mean, fuck them! They all think they're God's gift to motorcycling . Keepers of the fuckin flame, give me a break. Their bikes are fuckin' stupid. I hate those fuckin' Shovelhead riders.

Ad infinitum...


:eek:nfloor Now that is a good Hardly joke!! Thanks man. :)
 
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