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Ok a few days ago I had a small dilema regarding my GF talking to a guy she had fooled around with in the past.
So last night we were talking about stuff and I brought it up, I told her that I trusted her, but the idea of her talking to, or hanging out with a guy who she has had sex with... (and obviously he wants to have sex with her again)... the idea of that just makes me uneasy. I said that if the situation were reversed and I had a girl calling me up like that I would not talk to her/ see her because I care about our relationship and I wouldnt want her to have to worry about it.
I told her that I am not going to tell her who she can/ cannot talk to, but that when it comes to something this that I was definately not cool with it. She said that she would not hang out with the guy, she was totally cool with what I said... so it was sort of a non issue i guess. I was half expecting her to be upset over me not "trusting her" if she decided to hang out with him.. but its all good.
 

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Mr. Lesbian said:
Now, what she says and what she does is another story. Good luck man.
I really dont think there will be a problem there. She hasnt seen the guy since like december or something like that, she met me in the end of Feb. I wasnt really worried about her seeing him behind my back. My concern was that if she went out with him (just to hang out) I knew he would try something, I would just like to avoid that. I think if she says she wont see him, she really wont. Hell I think even if she did hang out with him, and said nothing would happen.. I think I could trust her on that... but its still not a kosher thing to do if you are in a relationship with someone you really care about.
 

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you know why she's cool over the whole thing? You spoke to her like a human being and not demanded that she stop doing what she was doing, like most men do.

A good leason to learn form this guys!!!
 

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I'm just jaded at this point to 'good intentions' because I've yet to see them work out. Not letting go of an ex when you find someone new is just playing headgames. There is a reason why she wouldn't just cut this guy loose. Protecting a relationship that's "over" smacks of it not being quite so 'over'.
Usually it's one of two things:
1) some kind of trust test. I don't take kindly to being tested by someone that way.
2) she's hedging her bets. She's keeping options open, which tells me that she's not as committed as you might think. This sets you up in a situation where you are in competition with this guy. If you're not 'better' than him she'll just go back to him.
That's no way to treat a relationship.

This is why my old lady didn't just up and go with this new boyfriend of hers. She had a home, a built in babysitter, didn't pay bills, etc. But was HE going to do all that? It comes down to a simple question for them- they weigh what you can do for them against what the other guy can do for them.
Jump the hoops and you win- come up short and she's got a second already lined up. Doesn't that make you feel special? Might as well flip a coin.

I hope it's different for you, man. But in my experience (and everyone I know) you are being tested one way or another. Is jumping hoops and performing what you call a relationship?
Anytime there's an ex still in the picture, there is a reason. That reason is playing a game with you.
Like leaving a job. She's shopping for a new one, but she won't leave the old one until she's convinced she's found a better one.
I would just get the feeling that if I didn't measure up to some expectation, she's already got a backup in mind. You're history and she'll be right back with old boy in minutes. If she's got a back up- you just aren't that important that she can't can you in a heartbeat. Why bother to accept something or work something out if you are keeping something waiting in the wings?
 

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japbike said:
you know why she's cool over the whole thing? You spoke to her like a human being and not demanded that she stop doing what she was doing, like most men do.

A good leason to learn form this guys!!!
Like most men do...pffffttttt
Relationships are complex situations. There is room for debate, conversation, examination, analysis...etc...
But if the ship is adrift, somebody needs to ...how do we say...."Put the foot down!!"

Good luck Solitude...
 

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TheSollyLama said:
I'm just jaded at this point to 'good intentions' because I've yet to see them work out. Not letting go of an ex when you find someone new is just playing headgames. There is a reason why she wouldn't just cut this guy loose. Protecting a relationship that's "over" smacks of it not being quite so 'over'.
Usually it's one of two things:
1) some kind of trust test. I don't take kindly to being tested by someone that way.
2) she's hedging her bets. She's keeping options open, which tells me that she's not as committed as you might think. This sets you up in a situation where you are in competition with this guy. If you're not 'better' than him she'll just go back to him.
That's no way to treat a relationship.

This is why my old lady didn't just up and go with this new boyfriend of hers. She had a home, a built in babysitter, didn't pay bills, etc. But was HE going to do all that? It comes down to a simple question for them- they weigh what you can do for them against what the other guy can do for them.
Jump the hoops and you win- come up short and she's got a second already lined up. Doesn't that make you feel special? Might as well flip a coin.

I hope it's different for you, man. But in my experience (and everyone I know) you are being tested one way or another. Is jumping hoops and performing what you call a relationship?
Anytime there's an ex still in the picture, there is a reason. That reason is playing a game with you.
Like leaving a job. She's shopping for a new one, but she won't leave the old one until she's convinced she's found a better one.
I would just get the feeling that if I didn't measure up to some expectation, she's already got a backup in mind. You're history and she'll be right back with old boy in minutes. If she's got a back up- you just aren't that important that she can't can you in a heartbeat. Why bother to accept something or work something out if you are keeping something waiting in the wings?
Some valid points there. That's why I say, the best defense is a good offense. There's no reason guys can't make girls earn our affection. I'm tired of jumping through hoops to keep chicks happy. How bout they do something to keep me interested. Otherwise go get it somewhere else.
 

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kazlab67 said:
Like most men do...pffffttttt
Relationships are complex situations. There is room for debate, conversation, examination, analysis...etc...
But if the ship is adrift, somebody needs to ...how do we say...."Put the foot down!!"

Good luck Solitude...

umm yes, most men.. sorry to tell you that, but most men do. I didn't say ALL, I said most...

a relationship is only complex it is if you make it out to be that way. A relationship is NOT a sacrafise, it's a compromise.

and the "foot down " thing, that's getting old. If any man so called "put his foot down" around me, he'd find himself limping from me first smashing it, cutting it off, then shoving it up his a$$.... :D
 

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japbike said:
umm yes, most men.. sorry to tell you that, but most men do. I didn't say ALL, I said most...

a relationship is only complex it is if you make it out to be that way. A relationship is NOT a sacrafise, it's a compromise.

and the "foot down " thing, that's getting old. If any man so called "put his foot down" around me, he'd find himself limping from me first smashing it, cutting it off, then shoving it up his a$$.... :D

Tell it sista!!! :twofinger Preach on........ :cool:

Solitude...glad it all worked out so far...see you got all nervous and upset (within yourself) for nothing at this point!!
 

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its funny how women react when you treat them like grown-ups and give them a choice instead of an ultimatum...if more guys handled shit like you did there wouldnt be as many lesbians in this world...if she holds true i think you might have a keeper...good luck bro...
 

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japbike said:
umm yes, most men.. sorry to tell you that, but most men do. I didn't say ALL, I said most...

a relationship is only complex it is if you make it out to be that way. A relationship is NOT a sacrafise, it's a compromise.

and the "foot down " thing, that's getting old. If any man so called "put his foot down" around me, he'd find himself limping from me first smashing it, cutting it off, then shoving it up his a$$.... :D
So what is the longest period of time you have been in a relationship?

My wife is one of the strongest women I know. We both grew up with mothers in the bar scene and have seen all kinds of crap. But she even agrees that sometimes she gets crazy with her ideas. Her mom is even crazier. My mom is crazy.
But our marriage is strong and beautiful. We don't hold our tongues and we let it all hang out.
I'm just not the type to let my wife do whatever the hell she wants because it just won't work. But she does the same thing to me. I've been with her for 15 years and can't recall even touching another woman inappropriately and she's the same. We don't believe in flirting either. We treat each other with love and respect but we don't dance around the issues either.
And as for kicking ass, I would never harm my wife or raise my hand to her in any way shape or form. never never never....She's slapped me before for putting my foot down too much and I let her. I don't give a F!! But she agreed with me afterward.... :D
We both laugh at our life and don't care what other people think.

Oh yeah the reason we don't flirt is because men/women like both of us a lot. We've been invited to some weird situations and we always go home instead.
 

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808 said:
its funny how women react when you treat them like grown-ups and give them a choice instead of an ultimatum...if more guys handled shit like you did there wouldnt be as many lesbians in this world...if she holds true i think you might have a keeper...good luck bro...

+1...... date me! :lol j/k
 

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kazlab67 said:
So what is the longest period of time you have been in a relationship?

My wife is one of the strongest women I know. We both grew up with mothers in the bar scene and have seen all kinds of crap. But she even agrees that sometimes she gets crazy with her ideas. Her mom is even crazier. My mom is crazy.
But our marriage is strong and beautiful. We don't hold our tongues and we let it all hang out.
I'm just not the type to let my wife do whatever the hell she wants because it just won't work. But she does the same thing to me. I've been with her for 15 years and can't recall even touching another woman inappropriately and she's the same. We don't believe in flirting either. We treat each other with love and respect but we don't dance around the issues either.
And as for kicking ass, I would never harm my wife or raise my hand to her in any way shape or form. never never never....She's slapped me before for putting my foot down too much and I let her. I don't give a F!! But she agreed with me afterward.... :D
We both laugh at our life and don't care what other people think.

Oh yeah the reason we don't flirt is because men/women like both of us a lot. We've been invited to some weird situations and we always go home instead.

5 yrs and still running. what diff does it make if it were 1 week or 50 yrs? the point is, when you start to treat your significant other with disrespect by so called "putting your foot down" it shows that your a controlling prick/ bitch. I've had my share of those, and I will NEVER put up with it again. I have my own mind and can make my own decisions, if I didn't know how to do that, I woldn't of made it this far in life.

That's great that you and your wife are that happy and that understanding with eachother, again SUPER... but with me I guess it's diffrent. I give respect when respect is earned. My BF has earned my respect and I his. So there is no need to have to put his foot or mine in that case, down. He as myself are grown ups, we do what we want, when we want. I don't need his permission to do any thing, and he dosent need mine. If he feels he needs to tell me what he's doing, great, if not, I don't ask.

If you really think about it, "putting the foot down" is crap, and you know it. It's all about respect. Don't do things to disrespect the other. Simple as that.
 

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Not to be confrontational but it does make a difference. If you've been together a week, who cares what the other person does. But if you've both invested your life together and one of the people starts changing for the worse, then you discuss it, if things still don't change, then you put your foot down. If it doesn't get resolved then you are probably going to break up. Simple as that.
 

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Each situation is different though, JapBike.
In many cases that 'putting your foot down' is the only thing stopping the other person from abusing the heck out of your trust.
It's especially bad if you are trying something a little risky. It may turn out that it just toally freaks you out. Take say, trading nekkid pix for example. You may get into it for a little kinky fun, but then one of you decides it's not your thing. You have to be able to lay down the law on things or you'll just end up being walked on or giving you no other option than to simply destroy the relationship.
While no one should be looking to control your life. At the same time, you should be accepting that there are certain things that your sig other just cannot be expected to tolerate regardless of whether you don't mind.
By having such a viceral reaction to someone 'putting their foot down' you pretty much limit your own options. It becomes black and white- either I do what I want or we destroy the relationship.
In the case of say, keeping an ex around- putting one's foot down may be the only way to make the relationship work. If you're not willing to cut him adrift when demanded by your sig other, you are essentially just choosing the ex over the new guy.
I think one needs to determine the reasonablness of the demand before panning the ultimatum.
 

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808 said:
its funny how women react when you treat them like grown-ups and give them a choice instead of an ultimatum...if more guys handled shit like you did there wouldnt be as many lesbians in this world...if she holds true i think you might have a keeper...good luck bro...
YOU ARE KIDDING RIGHT. . . I guess you have not talked to any lesbian women or gay men. They don't attribute their sexual orientation to a choice, but moreso genetics. It is not because they were mistreated my men or women
 

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I think the "putting the foot down" is being misconstrued by some people here as "do this, or get out of my effing house" it seems to me more like, "if you keep doing this, I can't be with you, because it is completely against what I believe" i.e. "I can't keep dating you, if you don't stop sucking dick for crack" is putting your foot down, and appropriate if you ask me.
 

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sonix said:
I think the "putting the foot down" is being misconstrued by some people here as "do this, or get out of my effing house" it seems to me more like, "if you keep doing this, I can't be with you, because it is completely against what I believe" i.e. "I can't keep dating you, if you don't stop sucking dick for crack" is putting your foot down, and appropriate if you ask me.

Exactly!! That's what I was thinking...it's a semantics thing that is causing the hang up. Sometimes there are times when you have proverbially "slap someone" on side the head to snap them back into reality! :)
 
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