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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.

Why do women get married?
So they can stop giving blowjobs. <<<<<<<<<===soooo true LMAO :(

One day this blonde was walking her dogs and this guy said to her, "Nice dogs what are their names?" She said "Timex and Rolex." He siad, "Cool, what kind of dogs are they?" She said "Duhhhh they're watch dogs!"

What do eating pussy and being in the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.


Why do hippos have sex underwater?
How else do you keep a forty pound pussy wet?

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

What's the difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.

Bad News: A man jumped out of a plane.
Good News: He had a parachute on.
Bad News: It didn't work.
Good News: There was a haystack below him.
Bad News: A pitchfork is sticking out of the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.

A man goes into the doctor's office and tells the doctor, "Doctor! My left nut is blue!" So the doctor examines it and then tells the man, "I'm sorry, but you have a very serious disease. We must take out that testicle." The man goes, "Oh hell no. Fuck that!" so the doctor just tells the man to think it over. Two days later, the man comes back and gets his left nut taken off. Then, after a few weeks, the man comes back, and goes, "Doctor, my right nut is blue!" So the doctor says, "We'll have to take that one out also." The man thinks it over again, and decides that having no testicles is better than dying so he goes and has another operation. Things go good for a month or two, but then he comes back and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis is blue!" and the doctor shakes his head and says, "You know the drill..." but the man says, "Well how the heck am i going to pee?" and the doctor tells him that they can put a tube in him and he can pee out of a tube. The man sadly agrees to get his penis amputated. Six months after that operation, the man comes in the doctor's office, furious. "Doctor, my damn tube is blue!" The doctor looks at him, looks down at the tube, and says, "Lemme check those jeans that you're wearing..."
 

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Valiant Poultry
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What's the difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Still reading the rest, but that deserved a post all of it's own...bwahahahahahhaa!!!!
 

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Valiant Poultry
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The rest were okay, but nothing spectacular.
 

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Bad News: A man jumped out of a plane.
Good News: He had a parachute on.
Bad News: It didn't work.
Good News: There was a haystack below him.
Bad News: A pitchfork is sticking out of the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.

Well that fucked up his day
 

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more offensiveness please.
 

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Valiant Poultry
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15,151 Posts
^^^^

More offensive??

How about this one:

Why can't Stevie Wonder read???





Because he's black.
 

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Valiant Poultry
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15,151 Posts
What's the American dream??






50,000 blacks swimming back to Africa with a Jew under each arm.
 

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Valiant Poultry
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^^^^

The above jokes are just that, jokes. They are not meant to offend anyone, so spare me your racial cries for help.
 

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hahaha! these definitely deserve their own thread...we'll probably be banned by morning, but if we can just make 5234087 people laugh, then we've done our job!
 

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I like the offensive sick jokes..

Q:Why can't jesus play hockey?
A:He's always getting nailed to the boards..
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One day a guy was eating this girl out.. They were both quite drunk, and she looked like she'd be around the town a couple times, but she said she'd return the favor.

Anyways, about a minute into it, the guy notices a little peice of corn in his mouth, that came from her pussy.. He thinks to himself "WTF?" but continues anyway, cause he really wants this blow job.

Well 30 seconds later he finds what appears to be a chewed chunk of carrot in his mouth, again from her pussy. Now he's really thinking to himself "What the fuck is going on?!".. but with the blowjob only seconds away, he decides to keep going since she's almost done.

Well he again realizes he's now got what looks like mushed potatoe and soggy meat in his mouth... Now he really can't take it anymore..

He stands up and says "What the hell is with all this food comming out of your cunt?!!"

The girl looks confused..

so the man asks "Are you sick or somthing?!!"

The girl suddenly realizes what's going on and replies: "No, I'm not sick, but the last guy down there was...."
--------------------------------

All for now..
 

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Old farm couple laying down for the night..
Pa rolls over and and starts playin with Ma's titties..
"You know, Ma, if we could get milk outta these we could get rid of them cows"
Ma smacks Pa upside his head, "Go ta sleep Pa!"
Pa rolls back over and starts ta rubbin Ma's puss...
"Ya know, Ma, if we could get eggs from dis we could get rid of them thar chickens"
Ma smacks Pa upside the head again, "I thought I told yas ta go ta sleep!"
So Pa rolls back over and just starts to fade off to sleep when Ma grabs hold of his
pecker and gently strokes it as she whispers in his ear...
"Ya know, Pa, if you could get this thing hard we could get rid of the mule"
 

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Holy shit that was freakin hilarious.
 
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