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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So me and the wife have been having a lot of issues in our marriage. The lack of trust, the lack of affectio, emotion and other small details have impacted our daily lives. The way the job market and economy is, she has been struggling to keep a good paying job and the horrible water out here just makes her health suffer more than it already does by her diabetes.

So after months of consideration and conversating, we agreed that she will be moving back in with her family in Kentucky, continuing her school path and picking back up her old job which was really good money for her. She is also moving back in her old house and bringing her car as transportation. We have agreed to keep managing the bills and to repay all the debt that we made together, even if we end up splitting for good.

My wife thinks that seperation will help bring her affections and emotions back for me, but I see it as if things don't improve than at least she is back where she was before she moved in with me and I will know for sure how the marriage will be without having to worry about coming home to drama or hopeless expectations.

After she moves back, I will get to clean and organize the house how I want, have more time and money for the activities that I want to do and be able to get out more with my local friends and make more riding friends. Also will be my chance to get a dog. I have been wanting a dog for a long time.

Regardless of how things between us turn out, we agreed that it would be positive one way or another and we also agreed to be civil for the sake of paying off debts we made.
 

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closer being seperated?

My wife thinks that seperation will help bring her affections and emotions back for me
Don't want to give anyone advice about marriage, even after 20 years...
but that comment doesn't ring true. Seperation rarely brings people closer together.

If it's not too late, you should try an go on a vacation together away from all the daily bs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Don't want to give anyone advice about marriage, even after 20 years...
but that comment doesn't ring true. Seperation rarely brings people closer together.

If it's not too late, you should try an go on a vacation together away from all the daily bs.
We kinda tried that when we had a 6 day weekend. Nothing improved. And she felt that way about seperation because the last time we actually seperated for a long period of time she actually did grow to miss me and what not.

If I was to give my own self advice from the outside, I would be saying the same thing you did. I don't see the marriage improving personally, and if it does than that is a plus for me. In all actuality if our marriage was to end, than this would be the ideal and more peaceful way to do it without anyone being screwed over, at least in theory.
 

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By the time a marriage separates it's already too late to save it. All issues that got the couple to that breaking point are still there, it's like building a house without solid foundations, it will come down, no matter if you try to build it slowly.She might miss you, miss being in her comfort zone (even if it is bad), miss the routine and what she was used to...

That is not a good foundation for a relationship, getting back for those reasons will end up in the same thing down the road, as it already happened to you.

"Separation" is just a less harsh way of saying "I want out". Time to get your ducks in a row.
 

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By the time a marriage separates it's already too late to save it. All issues that got the couple to that breaking point are still there, it's like building a house without solid foundations, it will come down, no matter if you try to build it slowly.She might miss you, miss being in her comfort zone (even if it is bad), miss the routine and what she was used to...

That is not a good foundation for a relationship, getting back for those reasons will end up in the same thing down the road, as it already happened to you.

"Separation" is just a less harsh way of saying "I want out". Time to get your ducks in a row.

Sort of agree, only if you tried it once. In some cases, separation makes each indivual realize what they had, and that green grass on the other side of the fence is not as green as you once perceived.

OP - Sorry to hear about your situation, but by your "tone" it seems that you are also ready for the separation.
 

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By the time a marriage separates it's already too late to save it. All issues that got the couple to that breaking point are still there, it's like building a house without solid foundations, it will come down, no matter if you try to build it slowly.She might miss you, miss being in her comfort zone (even if it is bad), miss the routine and what she was used to...

That is not a good foundation for a relationship, getting back for those reasons will end up in the same thing down the road, as it already happened to you.

"Separation" is just a less harsh way of saying "I want out". Time to get your ducks in a row.
You might be right here. I've been married 20 years, but never been married before and never seperated so do not have any experience in separations.

I can tell you what kept us together:

We had a similar background when we met, and both of "knew" we were going to get married before I actually asked her to marry me.

We have lived together working, raising two kids, traveling, etc. etc.; but honestly, we do not sweat the trivial shit. I've gotten her upset to the point of tears once, but learned my lessen( lol).

We are actually so busy doing our own thing that we do not spend too much time with each other. I tease my wife a lot, make her laugh, ignore her when she gets bitchy, and realize that we have a family which no amount of personal ambition is able to take priority over.

She does her own thing, I do mine. I don't get in her way, and she stays out of mine. For example, in the last two years, without asking me, she spent $10k on a road and a dirt bicycle( and she was talking about getting a third). So I fixed the problem not by arguing that she didn't need those bikes, but by spending 12k at the Honda dealer for the 2012 CBR600 =)

My kids are 19 an 15 and after they have left home, we might? break up?
Not sure, but do not see any reason to at this point.

Another thing, my parents were married 28 years( mom past away at 56) and my wife's parents were married 50+ years...yeah, that's "five" "zero" so niether of us have anticipated, or really thought about, having a short marriage.
 

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Sometimes dissolution is a good thing. Sounds like the OP has a mature attitude and is handling things like an adult. I can only wish for a better outcome whatever it may be.
 

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Shit man, sorry to hear it. Hope you are doing well.

I got tons of advice, but in truth, you are the only person who knows what to do.

Best regards dude, better days are ahead.

RC
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
By the time a marriage separates it's already too late to save it. All issues that got the couple to that breaking point are still there, it's like building a house without solid foundations, it will come down, no matter if you try to build it slowly.She might miss you, miss being in her comfort zone (even if it is bad), miss the routine and what she was used to...

That is not a good foundation for a relationship, getting back for those reasons will end up in the same thing down the road, as it already happened to you.

"Separation" is just a less harsh way of saying "I want out". Time to get your ducks in a row.
This is something that has sat in the back of my mind before our first seperation. I knew we had problems that needed to be worked out and when they didn't we seperated. After getting back together and then those same problems persisted, I knew we were going to seperate again whether it be for those reasons or something else.

At this point, I have been trying to do the best that I can, but i know seperation is one step closer to where we really are better off. Maybe the Marine lifestyle isn't for her, or being away from family or going from a place where you know everyone to a place where you dont know everyone and you can't afford to always take the easy road (which some debt came from).

This is why I am keeping a clear open mind about the situation. There will be light at the end of the tunnel regardless of which ever end life takes us. If this works out for us then we will find a way to make it work and rebuild from the ground up. If not, then we will go our seperate ways and move on. Hopefully not bringing any baggage to the next relationship whenever that comes around.
 

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Maybe the Marine lifestyle isn't for her, or being away from family or going from a place where you know everyone to a place where you dont know everyone and you can't afford to always take the easy road (which some debt came from).
i hear that... the military lifestyle can cause a lot of problems. I'm lucky in that respect... wife is a military brat (dad is 25yr retired MSgt), wants to go into the USAF sooo bad, and i've been in 22+yrs, so that really piqued her interest.

Hope your issues resolve themselves. good luck. Military life is NOT easy and too many people just don't understand it nor want to.

we've been married 5yrs, coming up on 6 in Jan,and we show no signs of stopping. we have a TON of shared interests... motorcycles, vehicles, outdoors, school, gaming (which was one of the first things that interested me... she was the only one in my gaming crew that actually gave me competition on Forza MS - WOOT!!).

Grats either way and hope you have a happy life no matter what. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
She isn't a military brat but has dated many military guys before me, but they were all Army. Marine lifestyle is a lot more rough around the edges. And among other things, I can see that she already "dropped her pack" in the marriage. I am just trying to be civil for this last 3 weeks she is here.
 

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Isn't your wife a lot younger than you? i seem to recall you mentioning it before. Yes- I have a creepy memory....
 

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so? shouldn't really matter. mine is 13yrs younger. can i getta WOO-WOO!!
Depends on how old you are. If you are 38 and your wife is 13 years younger, then she's still 25. I got married when I was 25. She was 25. Things work out.


This dude's 25. If his wife is only 19 or 20, then the advice I have to give is different than if she's 25.

Those few years make a HUGE difference with how people act in relationships and whatnot.

Now- I might be wrong. I could be thinking of someone else... but for some reason I was under the impression that she was pretty young. At least when they GOT married. Maybe that was a while ago.
 

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Separating to make things better?



IMO, in this type of situation the person that wants to "separate" (be it male or female) is basically saying "I want to see what other fish I can land, but if I'm unsuccessful still have someone to fall back on". Drop it while it's hot.

Sorry if I sound like Delo, but IMO no good would come of this. From your post history regarding your relationship (and I don't know how accurate/representative of you actual feelings your posts actually are; we say crazier stuff when anonymous online), I have had the impression for quite some time that your relationship wasn't a particularly fair or healthy one. Separating won't fix this. USING YOUR WORDS and getting on the same page will help - but that it only if you are both interested in this.

And again, from your post history, I don't think either of you are.

kevinwilly - you are correct. His wife is 20 years old, give or take a year (as I also recall)
 

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kevinwilly - you are correct. His wife is 20 years old, give or take a year (as I also recall)
That's what I thought. And I also remember him talking about all the random stuff that has happened... as you and Jim Moore have also mentioned.


She seems like a young, spoiled brat. I hate to say it, but that's the impression I get from the stories I've read. I'm not one to usually talk bad about someone else's significant other, because we all know that you usually only hear about the really good stuff and the really bad stuff.... which is the minority of relationships. Well- at least it SHOULD be.


At any rate, if you thought that separation was inevitable I don't know why you tried to stick it out so long. Get rid of her, be happy, and move on with your life. If you're not happy together for the first few years you are married, I got bad news for you- it only gets worse.

I don't mean that in a bad way- but problems grow over time and eventually have to be addressed. It takes an increasing amount of vigilance to keep things together for the first 3-8 years. I've observed that if a marriage can make it to about 8 years, they have about a 90% chance to go the distance. Most major issues are completely worked out by then, and things start to get easier.

It also doesn't help that she's so young. Not that being young is bad... but he still being in school makes things rough. My wife is still working on her PhD full time and it fucking SUCKS. I have to pay for everything. And I still get bitched at for not doing enough work on the house.... that I bought for us. So we could move out of the shit apartment we were in.

I tell you- you just can't win sometimes....
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Separating to make things better?



IMO, in this type of situation the person that wants to "separate" (be it male or female) is basically saying "I want to see what other fish I can land, but if I'm unsuccessful still have someone to fall back on". Drop it while it's hot.

Sorry if I sound like Delo, but IMO no good would come of this. From your post history regarding your relationship (and I don't know how accurate/representative of you actual feelings your posts actually are; we say crazier stuff when anonymous online), I have had the impression for quite some time that your relationship wasn't a particularly fair or healthy one. Separating won't fix this. USING YOUR WORDS and getting on the same page will help - but that it only if you are both interested in this.

And again, from your post history, I don't think either of you are.

kevinwilly - you are correct. His wife is 20 years old, give or take a year (as I also recall)
I am finally Meme worthy, LMAO!

Why do you think I am being so easy going about this? I already know the marriage is going under. I honestly don't see things getting better, after the seperation as far as the marriage goes. But if we can go our seperate ways and be peaceful about it without screwing the other over than I am all for it. This situation sure beats her just leaving and I am left paying for all the debt myself AND divorce papers and a court order to give her half of my shit.

I can't really say that I stopped caring about the marriage because up to this point I still try even now, but in my mind i stopped being oblivious t othe fact that the marriage is going under and at some point we will head our seperate ways. I always hopelessly looked for a moment where things turn around, but not enough to over turn many obstacles that just keep coming up.

The way the marriage has been going, her health, finances and school all weighed into us seperating, not just the marriage. The marriage is just the only thing not decisive and may just not work out (which I am mentally prepared for).

And yes my wife is still 20, until mid next month. But the week that she turns 21 is the same week that her dad is flying in to help her move out. Thankfully for me, me and her dad are on good terms so it hopefully won't be a drama filled fiasco with the packing. Age I feel does matter even if its by a few years. My wife admitted she doesn't want to have kids, knowing how much I did. She admitted she loves going out and hates being at the house even though most of the time I just enjoy relaxing at the house and only go out on days off or special occassions. She hates dogs and I love them.

As far as testing the waters, we already talked about if either of us was to find someone else to be with, and to just be honest about it with each other so we know what is up. We already agreed many curse words and shyt talking will be said, but at the end of the day to still be civil and finish paying off our debts as we agreed. And to not spend money from our shared banking account (used for bills) on other people. Before she brought up the topic I thought she already had someone lined up and when she brought it up my thoughts were basically comfirmed.

Not sure how I would go about it, I don't feel like trying to be back in the dating scene for awhile. Feels too weird trying to explain my situation to someone and i don't feel like lying or doing anythiing illegal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
That's what I thought. And I also remember him talking about all the random stuff that has happened... as you and Jim Moore have also mentioned.


She seems like a young, spoiled brat. I hate to say it, but that's the impression I get from the stories I've read. I'm not one to usually talk bad about someone else's significant other, because we all know that you usually only hear about the really good stuff and the really bad stuff.... which is the minority of relationships. Well- at least it SHOULD be.


At any rate, if you thought that separation was inevitable I don't know why you tried to stick it out so long. Get rid of her, be happy, and move on with your life. If you're not happy together for the first few years you are married, I got bad news for you- it only gets worse.

I don't mean that in a bad way- but problems grow over time and eventually have to be addressed. It takes an increasing amount of vigilance to keep things together for the first 3-8 years. I've observed that if a marriage can make it to about 8 years, they have about a 90% chance to go the distance. Most major issues are completely worked out by then, and things start to get easier.

It also doesn't help that she's so young. Not that being young is bad... but he still being in school makes things rough. My wife is still working on her PhD full time and it fucking SUCKS. I have to pay for everything. And I still get bitched at for not doing enough work on the house.... that I bought for us. So we could move out of the shit apartment we were in.

I tell you- you just can't win sometimes....
No you can't win, no matter how logically correct you are and no matter what is in writing.

My wife was out of high school when we got together and was midway through college courses. Which went no where after she moved in with me and found out her credits don't transfer out of state.
 
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