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· Registered
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out
why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people get
the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face
he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and
we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure
no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains.
I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it,
maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.
I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the walls.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

· Registered
800 Posts
LOL ~ those are some good ones, I especially like 8, 11 and 12.

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