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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK, so here's the deal: A couple years back, my girlfriend was casually involved with this guy. Nothing serious, just occasional hookups, but at some point he "crossed a line" (her words), and she ended it.

Since then, he will sporadically call or text her, and go through the whole apologizing thing, maybe ask how she's doing, and eventually try to maneuver it into them meeting again, which she universally declines. It's not a constant thing, maybe every couple of months or so. At one point, she blocked his number from her cell phone...the result of that was that the next time he called, it was from a different number.

That's as far as it's gone. He knows where her office is, her old apartment (before she move in with me), her usual bar hangout, and he hasn't showed up at any of those places. So there doesn't seem to be any threatening aspect, more of just an annoyance.

Another part of the problem is that apparently the nature of their relationship kind of encourages this behavior. She was in a kind of bad place at the time, and most of the time when he'd call and want to get together, she'd turn him down, but every once in a while when she was having a bad day, she'd say yes. So as she willingly admits, she has a part in training him that trying this over and over might eventually pay off. (even though it's been over two years since whatever incident pushed her over the edge)

It had been over six months since he last tried to contact her until a couple days ago, when he called from an unknown number yet again. She again told him that they were not going to be getting together again. He sent her a text today, something along the lines of "how are you?" You know, attempted conversation-starting fare.

I don't think the guy's dangerous; I think he just needs to realize that no really means no right now. So my thought is this: I plan to call him from her phone, and attempt to impress on him that this really is over, and that he really needs to understand that she doesn't want to hear from him ever again. (And I don't mean like "stop calling or I'll kick your ass." Just "you need to understand that no means no, and she doesn't want you to call or text ever again.")

Question is, if this doesn't work, what's the next step, legally speaking? We're definitely going to start keeping a record of when he calls or texts. I know GA has a statute concerning phone harassment, but I'm not sure if it necessarily applies here.

A person commits the offense of harassing phone calls if such person telephones another person repeatedly, whether or not conversation ensues, for the purpose of annoying, harassing, or molesting another person or the family of such other person; uses over the telephone language threatening bodily harm; telephones and intentionally fails to hang up or disengage the connection; or knowingly permits any telephone under such person's control to be used for any purpose prohibited by this subsection.
Thoughts? Again, I don't get the idea that this guy is dangerous, I just think he needs to get a more firm "FUCKING NO." And Josie needs to start hanging up the phone as soon as she realizes it's him. I think she's been entirely too civil with him.
 

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Probably restraining order. If the guy hasn't gotten the hint after 2 years, I doubt he's going to get it hearing it from you. He knows she has a boyfriend. He knows she doesn't want to see him. He knows she lives with you. Yet he's still persisting? Either there's some deep dark secret between the two of them that compels him, or he's a little fucking nuts.
 

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A little fucking nuts. I have an ex who contacted me after 4 years of silence trying to rekindle old feelings and to get me to leave my wife while me and her were going through bad times.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Probably restraining order. If the guy hasn't gotten the hint after 2 years, I doubt he's going to get it hearing it from you. He knows she has a boyfriend. He knows she doesn't want to see him. He knows she lives with you. Yet he's still persisting? Either there's some deep dark secret between the two of them that compels him, or he's a little fucking nuts.
Well, in fairness, prior to whatever it was he did that went over her line, she would generally turn him down when he called and wanted to get together, but every once in a while, on a bad day, she'd be vulnerable and say yes. So, to a certain extent, he has reason to believe that eventually he might get lucky and get a yes.

On the other hand, as you said, it's been two fucking years. And the fact that he's gone so far as to try new/unknown numbers when she blocked him tells me that he's a little irrational about this.
 

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Restraining order and a gun (just for added security)

Sent from my DROIDX
 

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OK, so here's the deal: A couple years back, my girlfriend was casually involved with this guy. Nothing serious, just occasional hookups, but at some point he "crossed a line" (her words), and she ended it.

Since then, he will sporadically call or text her, and go through the whole apologizing thing, maybe ask how she's doing, and eventually try to maneuver it into them meeting again, which she universally declines. It's not a constant thing, maybe every couple of months or so. At one point, she blocked his number from her cell phone...the result of that was that the next time he called, it was from a different number.

That's as far as it's gone. He knows where her office is, her old apartment (before she move in with me), her usual bar hangout, and he hasn't showed up at any of those places. So there doesn't seem to be any threatening aspect, more of just an annoyance.

Another part of the problem is that apparently the nature of their relationship kind of encourages this behavior. She was in a kind of bad place at the time, and most of the time when he'd call and want to get together, she'd turn him down, but every once in a while when she was having a bad day, she'd say yes. So as she willingly admits, she has a part in training him that trying this over and over might eventually pay off. (even though it's been over two years since whatever incident pushed her over the edge)

It had been over six months since he last tried to contact her until a couple days ago, when he called from an unknown number yet again. She again told him that they were not going to be getting together again. He sent her a text today, something along the lines of "how are you?" You know, attempted conversation-starting fare.

I don't think the guy's dangerous; I think he just needs to realize that no really means no right now. So my thought is this: I plan to call him from her phone, and attempt to impress on him that this really is over, and that he really needs to understand that she doesn't want to hear from him ever again. (And I don't mean like "stop calling or I'll kick your ass." Just "you need to understand that no means no, and she doesn't want you to call or text ever again.")

Question is, if this doesn't work, what's the next step, legally speaking? We're definitely going to start keeping a record of when he calls or texts. I know GA has a statute concerning phone harassment, but I'm not sure if it necessarily applies here.



Thoughts? Again, I don't get the idea that this guy is dangerous, I just think he needs to get a more firm "FUCKING NO." And Josie needs to start hanging up the phone as soon as she realizes it's him. I think she's been entirely too civil with him.
I would stay out of it - it's really not your issue, whether you want to make it so or not. She can go the restraining order, but even that sounds over the top - and they aren't really a prevention.

Truthfully, the best thing she can do to actually stop it is change her number. I realize people get hung up on their phone numbers, but if she really wants to stop receiving calls, that's how to do it.

KeS
 

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I think blocking his number was a good move, and I think the next move before trying to go a legal route which will end up being expensive would be to change her phone number. I know it is a big hassle and pain, but it would be easier than having to file a restraining order, get a lawyer, and go to court all with the chance they rule in his favor and your are left paying court costs on top of lawyer fees and he is still calling.
 

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I would stay out of it - it's really not your issue, whether you want to make it so or not. She can go the restraining order, but even that sounds over the top - and they aren't really a prevention.

Truthfully, the best thing she can do to actually stop it is change her number. I realize people get hung up on their phone numbers, but if she really wants to stop recieving calls, that's how to do it.

KeS
This. I have to admit- unless my douchbag college issue really tried to butt into my life at this point- I'd be REALLY pissed if my boyfriend took it up on himself to handle the situation.

Unless she is feeling threatened and very concerned (i.e. you all should really talk this over)- and she wants the help- I would just stay out of it.

I went through a very VERY long process with mine- last I saw him was 06... I recieved a text from him less than 6 months ago. I up to a year ago occasionally answered his text's or calls but not consistently. I went through an ignoring phase, a mild accepting phase, a "it's okay we are friends phase" and a very angry why the fuck are you torturing me do you get some sick pleasure out of this phase (those last two were probably switched).... regardless- it impacted my current relationship much more than I thought (even though I thought I was "healed"/over it or whatever you want to call it).

I finally realized I needed to truly cut him off- and after he texted me and called me the last two times I never responded/read or listened to the messages- and I'm better for it. I thankfully didn't have to change my number but I started screening calls like a mother fucker- and I rarely pick up strange numbers I don't know.

Ignoring those types of people tends to shut them down eventually- any sort of response feeds into them.

Get a Google Voice number- free and easy to use- and you can have it caller ID on your phone - or just tell you it's a subscriber calling your Google Voice number (in which case you don't know who- just know that it's someone who has that number)

you could probably do that- and just give only HIM that number- so he would think he only has the one (tell him it changed or whatever) and then she can ignore the shit out of him.

but I agree- steer clear unless she specifically asks for help.
 

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This is why the State of Florida just amended our stalking law to include text, email and phone calls. She could get a restraining order based on what he has done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
This. I have to admit- unless my douchbag college issue really tried to butt into my life at this point- I'd be REALLY pissed if my boyfriend took it up on himself to handle the situation.

Unless she is feeling threatened and very concerned (i.e. you all should really talk this over)- and she wants the help- I would just stay out of it.

I went through a very VERY long process with mine- last I saw him was 06... I recieved a text from him less than 6 months ago. I up to a year ago occasionally answered his text's or calls but not consistently. I went through an ignoring phase, a mild accepting phase, a "it's okay we are friends phase" and a very angry why the fuck are you torturing me do you get some sick pleasure out of this phase (those last two were probably switched).... regardless- it impacted my current relationship much more than I thought (even though I thought I was "healed"/over it or whatever you want to call it).

I finally realized I needed to truly cut him off- and after he texted me and called me the last two times I never responded/read or listened to the messages- and I'm better for it. I thankfully didn't have to change my number but I started screening calls like a mother fucker- and I rarely pick up strange numbers I don't know.

Ignoring those types of people tends to shut them down eventually- any sort of response feeds into them.

Get a Google Voice number- free and easy to use- and you can have it caller ID on your phone - or just tell you it's a subscriber calling your Google Voice number (in which case you don't know who- just know that it's someone who has that number)

you could probably do that- and just give only HIM that number- so he would think he only has the one (tell him it changed or whatever) and then she can ignore the shit out of him.

but I agree- steer clear unless she specifically asks for help.
To be clear, I'm not talking about doing anything behind her back or without her consent. We've had a number of long talks about this situation now. She thinks (and I tend to agree) that because of their past history, this guy has trouble comprehending that her rejection is real rejection this time, and not rejection that might reverse itself. What I've been trying to impress on her is that she's not helping that perception at all by carrying on any kind of conversation with him. He's already spring-loaded to expect her to eventually relent and get together again, and anything she does beyond "FUCK OFF<click>" is just going to reinforce that.

And there's also the fact that she's a get-along-with-everybody type, which seems to make her hesitant to just hang up. I think in her "perfect" world, he'd own up to the wrong things he did and they'd go back to being friends. (She's the type that gets along with all her exes. Hell, we see her ex-husband quite frequently.)

The main reason I'm considering calling the guy is that I know I can deliver the fuck-off message in a crystal clear manner. But to go back to your thing, I'm absolutely not going to do that unless we talk about and agree on it.

This is why the State of Florida just amended our stalking law to include text, email and phone calls. She could get a restraining order based on what he has done.
Georgia does have a stalking law that includes phone calls and such, but it requires that the caller have intent to harass/intimidate/threaten. Based on my research, I don't think this situation meets that standard.
 

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I dunno. It doesn't seem like this guy is at the level of stalker yet... I say this because persistence paid off in the past for him. He's just a Pavlonian dog still drooling over a bell that was rung, despite no longer being fed a treat.

From the sounds of it, it seems that she hasn't been absolutely clear and to the point with him. Tell your girlfriend to tell him to stop calling and texting her, and be very clear that his attention is no longer wanted and will no longer result in a booty call. ASK your girlfriend if she'd like you to call him and tell him that. That would definitely make it more clear to him, especially given your girlfriend's demeanor... But don't do it behind her back. As Jo already pointed out, that will likely piss her off.

If after it is made very clear to him that he shouldn't call or text, then I'd pursue restraining orders and such.

I am not an LEO or a lawyer. Nor do I play one on TV. So take my advice as you will.
 

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To be clear, I'm not talking about doing anything behind her back or without her consent. We've had a number of long talks about this situation now. She thinks (and I tend to agree) that because of their past history, this guy has trouble comprehending that her rejection is real rejection this time, and not rejection that might reverse itself. What I've been trying to impress on her is that she's not helping that perception at all by carrying on any kind of conversation with him. He's already spring-loaded to expect her to eventually relent and get together again, and anything she does beyond "FUCK OFF<click>" is just going to reinforce that.

And there's also the fact that she's a get-along-with-everybody type, which seems to make her hesitant to just hang up. I think in her "perfect" world, he'd own up to the wrong things he did and they'd go back to being friends. (She's the type that gets along with all her exes. Hell, we see her ex-husband quite frequently.)

The main reason I'm considering calling the guy is that I know I can deliver the fuck-off message in a crystal clear manner. But to go back to your thing, I'm absolutely not going to do that unless we talk about and agree on it.



Georgia does have a stalking law that includes phone calls and such, but it requires that the caller have intent to harass/intimidate/threaten. Based on my research, I don't think this situation meets that standard.
Translation: "I don't like another guy sniffing around my (girl). But she's too weak-minded to stop it, so I'll convince her to let me deal with it. And then I'll get that bastard out of the picture!"

This is NOT YOUR ISSUE. You are NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE. Being supportive would mean helping HER understand HER alternatives, and encouraging (literally) HER to do what SHE decides to do HERSELF.

What you are proposing is to take the issue AWAY from her because you don't like how she's handling it. So, what - you're going to be the boyfriend who does what you want instead of what she wants, but that's ok because you're a GOOD guy, not like that last sleazeball. Yeah, right.

She's a big girl. She can push the little button to hang up the phone all by herself - if she wants to. Clearly, at this point, she doesn't want to. You wanting her to doesn't make it so, and your willingness to take over the situation doesn't bode well for the relationship.

KeS
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Translation: "I don't like another guy sniffing around my (girl). But she's too weak-minded to stop it, so I'll convince her to let me deal with it. And then I'll get that bastard out of the picture!"

This is NOT YOUR ISSUE. You are NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE. Being supportive would mean helping HER understand HER alternatives, and encouraging (literally) HER to do what SHE decides to do HERSELF.

What you are proposing is to take the issue AWAY from her because you don't like how she's handling it. So, what - you're going to be the boyfriend who does what you want instead of what she wants, but that's ok because you're a GOOD guy, not like that last sleazeball. Yeah, right.

She's a big girl. She can push the little button to hang up the phone all by herself - if she wants to. Clearly, at this point, she doesn't want to. You wanting her to doesn't make it so, and your willingness to take over the situation doesn't bode well for the relationship.

KeS
These are interesting conclusions, mostly because they're completely backwards. I only know about her interactions with this guy because she's told me about them. I've known about them for a good solid nine months, and at no point have I tried to get in the middle of the situation.

Until this last call, when she semi-jokingly asked me if I thought I could intimidate someone if necessary. Well, maybe I could, but that doesn't sound like a great way to handle this. Instead, we started talking about the whole situation and how it might be handled better.

Let's get this straight: getting me involved was HER idea, not mine. She's the one who opined that maybe what he needed was to hear the "no" from someone else. I'm the one who told her that, while that might be true, she's not helping the situation at all by willingly conversing with him.

You seem to have this idea that I've ripped this thing out of her hands and started scheming behind her back about what I'm going to do about it. So let me repeat this again for complete clarity: I'm not going to do a damn thing unless we discuss and decide on it TOGETHER.
 

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(shrug) My mistake then: "I thought, MY plan, I'M going" - those are the the statements I read.

I still wouldn't do it. I don't think it's healthy for your relationship. Seriously, what is the problem with her not responding to texts or VMs, and simply pushing the little button when she recognizes his voice?

KeS
 

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(shrug) My mistake then: "I thought, MY plan, I'M going" - those are the the statements I read.

I still wouldn't do it. I don't think it's healthy for your relationship. Seriously, what is the problem with her not responding to texts or VMs, and simply pushing the little button when she recognizes his voice?

KeS
She sounds like a young adult. My wife can't even hang up when someone she doens't want to talk to calls her from a random number, unless she is around me.
 

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Maybe i missed it, but has she informed this other dude that she is involved & living with someone...so she is completely & truly not interested.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
(shrug) My mistake then: "I thought, MY plan, I'M going" - those are the the statements I read.

I still wouldn't do it. I don't think it's healthy for your relationship. Seriously, what is the problem with her not responding to texts or VMs, and simply pushing the little button when she recognizes his voice?

KeS
She sounds like a young adult. My wife can't even hang up when someone she doens't want to talk to calls her from a random number, unless she is around me.
It's a valid question. I can tell you from personal experience that she has no problem hanging up on sales calls without a second thought. At the end of the day, whatever her hesitation to do the same with this guy, there's not a lot I can do about it except remind her that she's contributing to the problem. It's not like she can say that she's been giving unequivocal "fuck off" signals and he's continued to call.

These are all things we've discussed repeatedly.

Maybe i missed it, but has she informed this other dude that she is involved & living with someone...so she is completely & truly not interested.
He knows that she's involved in a long-term thing. Dunno if he knows about the living situation though.
 
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