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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

14. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh
 
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