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King of Oilernation
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Maybe advice from strangers is the way to go. I have been married almost 3 years, but did so mainly because she got pregnant. We are really very different people and fight a lot. We have a beautiful daughter, but that is about the only thing we share in common. I am for the most part unhappy. I think she is too. Hard part is, I don't hate her. She is a good mom and an ok wife. My biggest fear is the crying and pleading not to end things. I just don't want to hang on because of my daughter and be miserable most of the time. Any advice or similar situations?
 

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Official SBN Party Pooper
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Sorta similiar. Best bet and I know it will kill you to do so would be to split. You have to weigh in the interest of your child before all other. If you and your wife are not happy, those thoughts could get conveyed to your child.

At least you seem to be on good terms about each other. Hopefully custody issues wont be a problem.

Good luck.
 

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No limit hypocrite
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Yeah.. a lot of people disagree with me, but I think a divorce is better for the child in almost every case....

Example #1.. You stay married.. you stay miserable.. and you fight. A lot.. in front of your daughter.. She will grow up seeing you two fight constantly, not in love, and she will absorb that.

Example #2. You divorce.. Hard right now, but much better for the future. Both you and your wife have an opportunity to find someone that makes you happy. Also, your daughter wont be exposed to the fighting you two are going through. She is young enough that she will know something is up, but not old enough to grasp it. Divorce, stay a daddy to your daughter, and you will all be happier..

It is a HUGE tragedy when I see couple staying together "for the children".. I think its the biggest mistake ever. Your daughter will do better without the fighting in the house... and keep the drama from her.. Dont "your mommy this, and your mommy that", and make damn sure your wife doesnt do that about you.
 

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"
"It is a HUGE tragedy when I see couple staying together "for the children".. I think its the biggest mistake ever. Your daughter will do better without the fighting in the house... and keep the drama from her.. Dont "your mommy this, and your mommy that", and make damn sure your wife doesnt do that about you."

+1


Do it now while the kid is young.. the kids whole world can come crashing down when he realizes that the parents didn't really love each other and were faking for your whole life.. it really facked me up when my parents split when I was 15. Caused me to move out when I was 17, and I don't see either of them as much as wish I do now.
 

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Where's my bike???
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I have to disagree with the others here. You need to TRY to work things out. Take a weekend vacation with the family to Cedar Point in Ohio, or to 6 Flags in Jersey "Depending on what part of PA you are from". Try surprising her with breakfast in bed, or flowers. Just because you are married does not mean you can't do the typical 'courtship'. I'm sure she will respond with appropriate gestures. All too often couples resort to divorce with no attempts to rekindle their marrage. This is the reason that less than 50% of marrages last. Good luck!

http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats01.htm
 

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First, there is no such thing as "Love at first sight"(stay with me, I'll get to the point in a minute) The term is "Lust at first sight" Now think about that statement and the word "Lust". Love is something you LEARN, it's not a given and it takes alot of work. You have to give it time and understand you both are two very different people, I would be willing to bet if you gave 100% to the marriage and really try to understand your wife, you might find a truly Loving person in her and yourself.
Women are mysterious creatures, they talk with body language, expressions emotions, and words that men cannot comprehend. Your wife can READ you and I bet she doesn't like the book. Does she feel like you neglect her and possibly your daughter at times?? All you have to do is TAKE the initiative to fix your marriage and I gaurantee she will follow. I'm not saying you need to change, you just need to re-word your message. It sounds like your a great Dad to your daughter, by analizing your post, I also think you are willing to fix it, you did say you don't hate her and she's a good mom. I'm getting the message you want to fix things.But DON'T do it for your daughter, do it for you and do it for your wife, if it doesn't work out your daghter will be fine, you and your spouse won't.

To make things simple, You two are not seeing things on the same level, plain and simple. Give in to her, and in turn she will give in to you. Sorry that's just the way it works!!


I hate to say this guys, but in order to have a happy marriage WE have to give as much as her, so get off your lazy asses, Tivo whatever it is your watching, and do the damn dishes!!! Bet you get some pussy for it tonight, hell if you do it out of the blue you might even get a blowjob!!
 

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+ .5

Same idea, but I think that gungho put it a little harsher than I would have.

It's gonna take work and willingness to give things up for each other, but you can do this.
 

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Now that you have a daugther, your own personal happiness is WAY down at the bottom of the list of priorities. Now you are obligated to be cordial to your wife, even if you do not love her, and provide a stable, peacefull, and stimulating 2-parent home for your child. When she is grown and moves out, you can do what you want.
 

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BSR423 said:
I have to disagree with the others here. You need to TRY to work things out. Take a weekend vacation with the family to Cedar Point in Ohio, or to 6 Flags in Jersey "Depending on what part of PA you are from". Try surprising her with breakfast in bed, or flowers. Just because you are married does not mean you can't do the typical 'courtship'. I'm sure she will respond with appropriate gestures. All too often couples resort to divorce with no attempts to rekindle their marrage. This is the reason that less than 50% of marrages last. Good luck!

http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats01.htm

+1.75

Try to make it work before bailing on the family (that's basically what it will be even if you stay close to your daughter).
By no means should you drag out fighting for years, especially in front of children but, it seems like the two of you at least get along right now.
Try to find more things you have in common. If your current interests don't mesh with hers, you should both try something new. If the two of you can at least be friends and start enjoying time together more, you can more than likely make it work.

My wife and I used to fight a LOT - and not small fights either. We didn't have kids (just now have one on the way) but we did our best to work things out, spent a lot of time airing (calmly) our grievances, spent time trying to enjoy life in general (I picked up snowboarding for example), and spent time finding fun ways to spend time together.
After all that work, it was/is REALLY worth it. We're happy and in love now like we never were. She may leave me for spending too much time in this forum, but that remains to be seen.
 

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gungho said:
First, there is no such thing as "Love at first sight"(stay with me, I'll get to the point in a minute) The term is "Lust at first sight" Now think about that statement and the word "Lust". Love is something you LEARN, it's not a given and it takes alot of work. You have to give it time and understand you both are two very different people, I would be willing to bet if you gave 100% to the marriage and really try to understand your wife, you might find a truly Loving person in her and yourself.
Women are mysterious creatures, they talk with body language, expressions emotions, and words that men cannot comprehend. Your wife can READ you and I bet she doesn't like the book. Does she feel like you neglect her and possibly your daughter at times?? All you have to do is TAKE the initiative to fix your marriage and I gaurantee she will follow. I'm not saying you need to change, you just need to re-word your message. It sounds like your a great Dad to your daughter, by analizing your post, I also think you are willing to fix it, you did say you don't hate her and she's a good mom. I'm getting the message you want to fix things.But DON'T do it for your daughter, do it for you and do it for your wife, if it doesn't work out your daghter will be fine, you and your spouse won't.

To make things simple, You two are not seeing things on the same level, plain and simple. Give in to her, and in turn she will give in to you. Sorry that's just the way it works!!


I hate to say this guys, but in order to have a happy marriage WE have to give as much as her, so get off your lazy asses, Tivo whatever it is your watching, and do the damn dishes!!! Bet you get some pussy for it tonight, hell if you do it out of the blue you might even get a blowjob!!



great advise dude :)
 

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counselling helped us in earlier years and it might help you two also.
 

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Theres a very simple answer to this. If you want to make it work then do it, if not then you guys need to go your seperate ways. Dont stay together just for the kids. Because if you guys are fighting and unhappy you are not doing the kids any favors at all. As far as one of the previous post that stated your happiness should be the last priority thats BS...your happiness should be a top priority Im not saying that you need to be selfish but everyone deserves to be happy and if you're no happy in this marriage and u dont think u will be then its time to end it. Kids get over it. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Its easier for them when they're younger.
 

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you started by saying you got married because she was "pregnant" not because you were so madly in love with her. Its better to decide now on a divorce than when your daughter can completely understand ....whats going on between you too....maybe divorce is the best solution ...and of course stay involve in your daughter's life and make sure you are as an important part of her and her mommy......at least leave eachother in good terms...and make sure to maintain it....hopefully this is both of your decision ......it should not be difficult.....unless you both don't agree....
 

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I wonder if she really would cry so much. If you're right about your feelings and hers (no love), she's probably just gonna be scared about being abandoned, and angry about the wasted time in a loveless marriage. If you can make sure she knows you still love your daughter and intend to stay around and provide a good life for your kid, I bet she'll calm down fast and face reality.

If I had heard any second guessing or doubt about love in the marriage, I would say get the marriage fixed up and stay together. I know several couples who stayed together for the children, and did make it work. And others that did the same but it didn't work. I think the difference is reviving the love. You could try for lust at least. You hear about marriage counselling, but you don't hear so much about divorce counselling. Seems like there ought to be some help with knowing when and how to move on.
 

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Politically incorrect
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No use prolonging the inevitable until you do hate each other. You guys never had any time together (just the two of you) to see if you liked each other.

Children, as wonderful as they are, don't add anything to marriage, they detract from it. My wife and I were together for 7 years before children, so we had a strong relationship, before the distraction of children. Now that we are nearing 30 together with the children are pretty much gone, we still like each other.
 

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Eyespy said:
Now that you have a daugther, your own personal happiness is WAY down at the bottom of the list of priorities. Now you are obligated to be cordial to your wife, even if you do not love her, and provide a stable, peacefull, and stimulating 2-parent home for your child. When she is grown and moves out, you can do what you want.
In my opinion this is horrible advice from a bygone era. Are you married? I don't think any married person would say that. You sound like the pope.

Stick with motorcycle advice - yours is usually quite good. :)
 

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SMFCPACFP said:
In my opinion this is horrible advice from a bygone era. Are you married? I don't think any married person would say that. You sound like the pope.

Stick with motorcycle advice - yours is usually quite good. :)
Married with 2 children. Sorry you don't like the advise, but the daughter is the only innocent party here. The adults' individual and collective happiness is not very important once they produce a child. The kid becomes the priority. I am living my own advice, BTW. I'm not the Pope, I am as anti-religious a person as you'll ever encounter.
 

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I agree with trying to stay together-if possible. You have to be mature and put kids' needs first and work on the marriage. I am out because my wife no longer wanted to work on the marriage. There is a need for people to be happy as if it were a right. People need to shelf their personal needs for the kids I think. If people can't be under the same roof, that's different.
 

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Old school fool
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At this point nobody has made any rash decisions and nobody has thrown anyone out on their ass or otherwise messed around so I say get some counseling and see what you can do. Sometimes when two people work on something together, it helps build a strong bond of repsect and affection. Those are nice things, maybe better than that stupid butterfly in your guts feeling everyone has when they are 14 and have a crush on someone.

There is an old Jimmy Stewart movie where a kid comes to ask him if he can marry his daughter. Jimmy says, "Do you like her?"

The kid answers, "Well I LOVE her!"

Jimmy says, "That's not what I asked. Love changes over the years and you might not always feel exactly the way you do now. If you like her though, you probably always will and in the long run you can stay with her."

There's a lot of sense in that stupid movie. If you like and respect this woman that's a good start - more than a lot of couples have. Go to a marriage counselor and talk to each other.
 
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