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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Where do you draw the line?

I'd like female input on this as well.

I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship and was talking to several buddies about certain things that went on that I felt she went way overboard and didn't respect me whatsoever. I thought I was too nice and believed her that it was harmless. I had my blinders up and was walked all over.. or was I over reacting?


After about a year or so into the relationship I decided to opt out of the bar scene because I prefered getting together with friends and their homes. I had no interest in other broads and felt I seen the same crowd and talked the same bs each time. The bar wasn't for me.

My gf loved to dance and I'd encourage her to go with her friends, I trusted her at the time, but the odd time that i'd go out with our group of friends, I'd end up seeing her chatting with other guys for free drinks (even though initially I didn't mind because I knew it meant nothing, saved me money.. and found it funny at times). As she continued to do it more months later, I expressed that I disliked this and would buy her drinks. She'd never get their numbers or take it any further then a quick chat and drink.. but meanwhile I'm still her boyfriend whether i'm in the bar or not.

More significantly, I'd see her acting quite inappropriate by trying to get other guys attention by stealing their hats and dancing inappropriate with other guys.... this pissed me off. It wasn't just a quick dance to be nice and get away, but a dance with grinding.. touching.. At first when I seen this I laughed, but after the 2nd..3rd.. 6th time witnessing it I became quite upset. When her friends were around they laughed each time she'd steal hats.. because it was "her thing". When she was with her group of friends dancing, she'd tend to branch off and find some other people dancing and jump in, or jump on stage, or wonder off. I found it attention seeking. No other friends would do this.. just her. She was the 'entertainer' of the group because all the girls would make comments later how funny she was.

I'd save my comments till I got home and expressed how i'd never do that to her. I'd treat her as if she was with me all the time. She always say it was harmless, or just 'having fun' and to let loose. I know girls like to dance and it's fun to watch, but she'd always go off on her own and dance with complete strangers (mostly male)... or with females (which was mostly foolish dancing, enough to get the other girl upset and saying 'what are you doing?'


As a couple is right for your partner to dance with other guys whether you are there or not? I found alot of 'normal' girls with their friends would dance with other girls because they didn't want to get hounded by guys.. this wasn't the case for her.. I found she sought the attention and wanted to be noticed, by her friends and others.

Besides the bar scene, our relationship was strong, because no discussion would arise until the next episode, but it became redundant. Is this a common personality that I didn't accept? or was she acting inappropriate? I figured all these actions were for the single life.

Where do you draw the line?
 

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You got that right.
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She's acting inappropriate, IMHO.

And having said that, I'd tell it's either her way or Elway. And go from there. It sounds like she was disrespecting you, perhaps to garner attention that she wasn't getting, or maybe she skipped some Maslow or Freud step somewhere.
 

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rebel litre
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it's one thing to dance with someone else. i would'nt have a problem with that as long as is was kept to a respectable level. as far as the "chatting it up with guys for drinks" and such, i don't think i could tolerate that. i see it as disrespectful. i see it like this, if she has the heart to use unknown guys for their money, does she have the heart to do the same to me? just my .02 . i'd tell her to either knock it off or kick rocks.
 

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I have been in my relationship for 5 1/2 years. The bars are not my thing but once in a while I do go out with the girls. My b/f usually drops me off, and picks me up from the club/bar. Usually when he picks me up, he'll ask if I had fun, if I danced with anybody, etc. I just answer all the questions honestly, I didn't do anything wrong, so I have nothing to hide.

I do dance with other guys, but I do not go attention seeking and taking other guys hats, etc. I will dance up against other guys, but if they start trying to try to hold on to me, or get so close I can feel them, I pull away from them.
If a guy approaches me in a respectable manner and initiates a conversation and offers to buy me a drink, I'll let them, but only if I'm at the bar with them and can see that they aren't putting anything in it. I don't initiate the conversation, nor do I ask them to buy me a drink. It doesn't go any further than that, I don't give them my number nor do I take theirs. I will dance with them if they ask, since they did buy me a drink, but I have limitations of what I put up with on the dance floor.

I don't like it when I'm walking through or standing around with the girlfriends and I get the "hey shawty, or hey baby girl", or whatever else comes out of their mouths. I've also been known by friends to be the one the shove a guy into his group of friends and curse him it out fro grabbing my @$$, arm, or just grabbing at me period when I'm walking by. I'm not there for the attention, I'm there to hang out with my friends, and have fun.
 

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I wouldn't have put up with that shit. I'm not insecure (SO is an lone female EMT at a firehouse and has 30 horny guys to work with), but grinding and gripping would do me in if the drink thing hadn't. But then again, I don't plan on being in the club scene a whole hell of a lot, either, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
 

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I wouldn't put up with it either... this is me now, post divorce... Pre divorce I think to an extent I would've thought the same way as you. My Ex used to cruise around in her Cobra Convertable and inevitably attract attention. I thought it was funny at first.. but then - now after nearly 12yrs. of marriage.. I am divorced. Take it as a lesson learned.. dont let it happen to you again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
vr4honey,

It's the limitations to dancing that i'm questioning and you said what I wanted to hear. "I will dance up against other guys, but if they start trying to try to hold on to me, or get so close I can feel them, I pull away from them."

In my case, i've seen it happen where the guy stepped his boundaries, rubbing.. touching.. but because she's also leading him on by dancing more provocatively by grinding and touching... it just makes the situation worse. In one way I don't blame the guy because he had no idea of me, but she should know her limits.

So I guess I was never wrong. I just wanted the same respect and never received it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
QWIK1,

I don't think there is wrong in feeling good about yourself and showing off a little, but it's to the extent at which they do it. I was watching a tv show the other day where individuals were commenting on the fact that most celebs are narcissistic - they are inflated with their own importance. In the bar, I find this to be the case with my ex.

You live and you learn.
 

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Undiscovered said:
QWIK1,

I don't think there is wrong in feeling good about yourself and showing off a little, but it's to the extent at which they do it.
You live and you learn.
Nope I agree with that.. but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and that line should be very clear to a person in a relationship.
 

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A club/bar is no place for a committed woman. Girls do you really think we like to dance? Every single guy in a club/bar is trying to get laid, no ifs or buts, that's what in their minds. you wanna let your girl to the lion's den it's your choice, me personally if my girl wants to go to the club and dance with random guys, she has a whole lot explaining to do because I know what goes on there.
 

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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
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here is how easy this is............

if you sack up and tell her its inappropriate in your eyes and she doesnt modify her behavior...................she gets the boot.

By the way, I tend to think guys over react to innocent shit and dramatize it.

If your chick is dancing with other dudes while youre there..........its cause your a puss and wont dance with her to keep her eyes on you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
hybrid said:
here is how easy this is............

if you sack up and tell her its inappropriate in your eyes and she doesnt modify her behavior...................she gets the boot.

By the way, I tend to think guys over react to innocent shit and dramatize it.

If your chick is dancing with other dudes while youre there..........its cause your a puss and wont dance with her to keep her eyes on you.
I agree alot of it is dramatized for most guys.

I do dance and I have good time, but when you're dancing with your partner and moments later she's gone else where to dance with someone else all the time, leaving you and your friends thinking 'where did she go now', it makes you wonder.
 

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hybrid said:
here is how easy this is............

if you sack up and tell her its inappropriate in your eyes and she doesnt modify her behavior...................she gets the boot.

By the way, I tend to think guys over react to innocent shit and dramatize it.

If your chick is dancing with other dudes while youre there..........its cause your a puss and wont dance with her to keep her eyes on you.
I totally agree but many times, they wanna go "girls night out". I have no problem with that until my homies spot her grinding up some dude. IMO if the girl has a man, she no reason why to go to a place were single guys are looking to take something home.
 

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TTsixxer said:
I totally agree but many times, they wanna go "girls night out". I have no problem with that until my homies spot her grinding up some dude. IMO if the girl has a man, she no reason why to go to a place were single guys are looking to take something home.
EXACTLY!
 

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bassholic said:
over reacting, but she is your ex now, and for a reason
Maybe over reacting slightly.. but with the understanding on both parts your views of the "bar scene" you should reach some sort of compromise, no? If it is let go too long it will lead to the end of the relationship. The behavior will become common place and justifyable to the person behaving in such a manner. Which will in turn, over say... 12yrs.... , will lead to more and more inappropriate behavior, then lying.. then cheating... then divorce..... - or is it just me?... :rolleyes

I work as a bouncer in a bar and see this all the time.. women I know that have a SO, either married or not - acting totally inappropriate with guys at the bar. I know it goes both ways. Guys w/ SO shouldn't do it either.. I just know all the "cheating" at my bar is done by women (yes I do consider that a form of cheating). I am certain there are guys that are just as bad, however, I personally don't see that as much.

Honestly though - if you are going to bars to meet a SO - you are in the wrong place. The bar scene, IMHO, is not a place you would want to go to find a meaningful, lifelong relationship. Which ties in with my previous statment. If you are actively looking... I don't think you will find that kind of relationship... that kind will find you - and not in a bar.
 

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I think it really depends on what kind of discussion you have about it - I know girls who get turned on by other guys' advances but are TOTALLY committed to their man and let them know in oh so many ways. Then there are other chix who, when asked, play it like a game to make their man jealous. The second type are the ones to boot.
 

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chas4fz said:
I think it really depends on what kind of discussion you have about it - I know girls who get turned on by other guys' advances but are TOTALLY committed to their man and let them know in oh so many ways. Then there are other chix who, when asked, play it like a game to make their man jealous. The second type are the ones to boot.
Nope... I'd boot both. If a chick gets turned on by another man's advances...... where there is smoke - there is fire.
 
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