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I am doing these together so I don't make like 5 threads, maybe you will find atleast one of these funny, if you have heard it....Oh well:)

Corn vs. Carrots

carrot would kick corn's ass.

why? becuase corn is a fawking LIAR.
how can you go around telling people that you have any nutritional value if you're not even digestible?
so this kernel goes around bragging about vitamin content, you buy into the lie, and then that little bastard just comes out the other end THE SAME WAY HE WENT IN with no benefit. fawkin selfish, if you ask me.
So Carrot gets wind of the lying bastard Corn and beats the hell out if it.
See, carrot is a terrorist vegatable. it's the Viet Cong of the plant world. it just sits there in brown powder for ramen noodles and waits for water. then, out of NOWHERE, it just comes into life as little orange floating squares, and it's like "SUPRISE ASSHOLE!" and start whooping ass on that lying corn.
THEN the combat in your stomach goes hard core and you lean over and do the technicolor yarn at the pavement and all you can think is "I don't remember eating carrots."

Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet the lier told you I was speeding, too.

Gimme a sheep

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:
"If
I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
give
me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives
a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on
his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd
and
says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep" says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals
and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business.
Now give me back my dog."

http://www.expression.philips.com.br/artes/venc2003/obrasflash/rmello/o_incomodo.swf

^ put your cursor ont his guys face for a few secs, lol


From Camp =)

Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling nyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris


Ok maybe someone will get a kick out of one of these, lata.
 

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Valiant Poultry
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The old lady one was good, the rest were not.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
What is with the smilies man?
 
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