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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A little background first.

We had some issues within the last couple of years (no adultery or abuse involved), mainly the last year. I thought we had worked through the problems, because things seemed to be headed in the right direction. But, somewhere along the way, she lost the feelings for me she once had. Maybe I was in denial, but her filing has hit me really hard. I wasn't expecting it. The divorce is uncontested and we worked out all the specifics ourselves, including child support and pretty much open visitation (I hate that damn word); we have an 8 year old daughter who we are putting first above all else - as it should be, but I've lost the love of my life.

At 37 years old, after being married for 15 years, I don't know how to be single again. She's all I think about. So, I'm looking for some advice from some of you who may have been through a similiar situation. How did you cope. How did you move on.

I know time heals all wounds, but this grieving process really sucks. :a2
 

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I got divorced this year also. Separated in July of last year but it was finalized May 2. We were together 8 years. It hurts but give it time and you'll be ok. To me, being single isn't bad but dating is a MF right now. Just like women say they can't find a good man, shit it's just as hard to find a good woman. It's nice to hear you both put your child first. That's the most important issue and you both are trying to do the right thing. Time will help, friends help alot too. Good luck.
 

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Take your time greiving! I am sorry you have to go through this...it's no fun and it's difficult. Please, please though get through your issues first and deal with all your feelings before you drag another female into your life on the serious nature!!

I know too many guys in their 30s carrying tons of baggage and issues from their previous marriage and putting it on a new partner!! Dating at an older age is very different and yes harder! The pool of available "good" candidates is smaller but you will make it through :)

Just hang in there, keep yourself busy, rediscover yourself in finding out things about YOU that you may have not found out about or pursued.

Be there for your daughter, because she is the one that is hardest hit and it's good that you guys are being mature about it and that no one is a deadbeat parent!!

I wish you the best of luck and just keep your chin up! :)
 

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Hey bro, I know I'm alot younger than you. But, like everyone else said, take your time. It's just another test that God likes to throw in peoples lives every now and then. Just realize that if after 15 years and it didn't work out, it probably never will and apparently wasn't supposed to. It's a shitty thing yeah, but shitty things happen everyday. Just take your time, surround yourself with people who care for you and will be there for you, and try to enjoy the single life again. It's been 15 years for heavens sake. Get out there and do all the things that your wife wasn't too thrilled about you doing when you were together. Just my .02 I know that all that you see and do and hear is going to remind you of her for a LONG time, but just let it. Your daughter, as you said yourself, should come first. Do her, and yourself a favor, and never talk shit about your wife to your daughter. My dad has been doing that for so many years about my mom that I'm getting to the point that I don't even want to go to his house anymore because he always tells me how much he "hates that fucking bitch". It's not a good feeling, even at 24 years old. So like I said, take your time, spend some quality time with your friends/family, and especially your daughter. You will eventually get over it and be able to listen to the radio and not think about your wife. It's gonna take some time, but time is a good thing.
 

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Spend as much time as you can with your daughter.It sounds like she brings you joy and that's what you need.

Maybe even buy her a pocket bike and hang out in an empty parking lot riding.
 

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jlamb30 said:
A little background first.

We had some issues within the last couple of years (no adultery or abuse involved), mainly the last year. I thought we had worked through the problems, because things seemed to be headed in the right direction. But, somewhere along the way, she lost the feelings for me she once had. Maybe I was in denial, but her filing has hit me really hard. I wasn't expecting it. The divorce is uncontested and we worked out all the specifics ourselves, including child support and pretty much open visitation (I hate that damn word); we have an 8 year old daughter who we are putting first above all else - as it should be, but I've lost the love of my life.

At 37 years old, after being married for 15 years, I don't know how to be single again. She's all I think about. So, I'm looking for some advice from some of you who may have been through a similiar situation. How did you cope. How did you move on.

I know time heals all wounds, but this grieving process really sucks. :a2
I was married for 12 years and my divorce sucked. But one thing is for sure time only softens the blow
 

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jlamb,
I feel your pain; I too have gone through the pain of divorce and my second marriage was starting to hit the skids.......I'm separated from my second wife, we talk, we argue, and right now I'm living with my parents because it works for now. My two cents worth, go and find a divorce recovery workshop. It helped me quite a bit and you meet other people who are going through the pain too. Mind you, you're not supposed to pick up people there, but rather relate with them and trust me you will find yourself wanting to attend more sessions afterwards. Hang in there and good luck to you!!!

Frank
 

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I'm with ya, brother. I just lost an 8 year marriage for much the same reason.

There is no coping. There is no getting over it.
You soldier on, trudge through your life.

You sound like this isn't your divorce, it's hers. That's where I am. She's cheating, she's bown me off, I feel completely used and discarded.
But I still love her.

All you can do is just get through day to day. I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your a$$, it sucks to be dumped after such an investment. When your future is based on your marriage, then you are stuck being dumped with no future. Inventing a new one is just that- inventing it. Forced.

Just be there for your kid. Be a better person than the one that thumbed her nose at a decade and a half as if it were just a temporary thing. I don't know how anyone with a family can suddenly decide that there is something better out there waiting.
To me, my family was the pinnacle of my life. They all tell you to move on, time will heal. I say bullsh1t. What more can anyone lose? The only thing that can't be replaced is your family and your feelings for someone.

Sorry to be a bummer. But the reality is that it sucks. It goddamn hurts and if you're like me, you don't even understand exactly what just happened. You look at your problems and you can't see how they equate to ending 15 years and a family.

All I can do is think about how the selfish, petty issues of adults bleed over to wreck a child that only wants mommy and daddy to love each other.

If you can work it out, try. If there is even a glimmer of hope, forget your ego. Forget dignity. Put it aside and try to fix things. Family is too important to walk out on. This is a point lost on my wife. And my daughter has to suffer for the wife's selfishness.

If all you have left is your kid, then do your best to raise her so she doesn't end up making this same mistake. That's my biggest worry out of this. That my kid will end up doing exactly what my wife did, and wreck her marriage and family someday for some BS selfish reason.

I wish you luck, man. You're not alone in this. Too many of us are going through the same thing.
Till death do us part, my a$$. More like 'until I get a better offer'.
 

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TheSollyLama said:
I'm with ya, brother. I just lost an 8 year marriage for much the same reason.

There is no coping. There is no getting over it.
You soldier on, trudge through your life.

You sound like this isn't your divorce, it's hers. That's where I am. She's cheating, she's bown me off, I feel completely used and discarded.
But I still love her.

All you can do is just get through day to day. I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your a$$, it sucks to be dumped after such an investment. When your future is based on your marriage, then you are stuck being dumped with no future. Inventing a new one is just that- inventing it. Forced.

Just be there for your kid. Be a better person than the one that thumbed her nose at a decade and a half as if it were just a temporary thing. I don't know how anyone with a family can suddenly decide that there is something better out there waiting.
To me, my family was the pinnacle of my life. They all tell you to move on, time will heal. I say bullsh1t. What more can anyone lose? The only thing that can't be replaced is your family and your feelings for someone.

Sorry to be a bummer. But the reality is that it sucks. It goddamn hurts and if you're like me, you don't even understand exactly what just happened. You look at your problems and you can't see how they equate to ending 15 years and a family.

All I can do is think about how the selfish, petty issues of adults bleed over to wreck a child that only wants mommy and daddy to love each other.

If you can work it out, try. If there is even a glimmer of hope, forget your ego. Forget dignity. Put it aside and try to fix things. Family is too important to walk out on. This is a point lost on my wife. And my daughter has to suffer for the wife's selfishness.

If all you have left is your kid, then do your best to raise her so she doesn't end up making this same mistake. That's my biggest worry out of this. That my kid will end up doing exactly what my wife did, and wreck her marriage and family someday for some BS selfish reason.

I wish you luck, man. You're not alone in this. Too many of us are going through the same thing.
Till death do us part, my a$$. More like 'until I get a better offer'.

As much as I want to get married and build a life and family, listening to divorced men is depressing. I don't know how some guys marry 3 or more times. In my eyes I am only giving myself one shot at marriage, if it does not work, then that is it. . NO MORE heart ache pain and suffering.
 

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TheSollyLama said:
If you can work it out, try. If there is even a glimmer of hope, forget your ego. Forget dignity. Put it aside and try to fix things. Family is too important to walk out on.
Man Solly... why can't there be more men like you in MS... Sorry to hear about your break up. :(
 

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Im only 18...so what the hell do I know?

I just wish you luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I really appreciate all the encouragement and support. I posted some before the board was redone, but I'm mostly a lurker now (too much work to do, don't have much time to post much.) But, you are a great bunch for people.

Solly, your post really moved me, so I threw away my dignity. I couldn't go down without a fight. I met with her today. I told her I couldn't allow myself to move on without finding out if there was any way to save the marriage through marriage counseling, church counseling, or something else. She said she was not ready for counseling right now, but wouldn't rule it out in the future if her feelings changed. I will not be holding my breath.

So, the divorce will go forward. It should be final in about two weeks.

Thanks again for the encouragement and support.
 

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awww sorry jlamb.....at least you have tried your best...that's all you can do...again sorry to hear of your pain.:( Hang in there!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks RSixxy.

Maybe some trackdays would help take my mind off this.

Who knows, maybe when all this is behind me, I'll have the pleasure of meeting the twins at Jennings.

I'll be on the prowl again, one day.
 

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Child's point of view

First of all, I'm a 19 year old male. My mother and father were having problems due to my mom's infidelity. It ended after my father's thrill for living for his children (me 19, sister 16, brother 15) became 2nd to a sick obsession over there woman he was with for over 20 years. My dad shot himself in the chest on October 25, the day after my 19 birthday.

From it all I learned this, your child needs you now. Please put her in front of everything. I don't know you or your wife, but your daughter is very scared and very confused. Let her know her daddy loves her! She will bring you years and years of joy. I tried to get my dad to understand this, but I failed.

As for the grieving, this is information that I got from where me and my Dad were able to talk. He got along better with himself when he hung out with his friends and was able to do hobbys he enjoyed. My Dad, probably like you, was a very avid motorcyclist. He gave me a Superhawk late last September and eventually his RC51 after his passing. He rode with friends from work or me. My Dad was free of all worry because he was doing something he was passonate about. As for the hurt and angst, please please please consult a therapist. Let them help you, don't shut yourself off and "be a man" and think you don't need therapy. Talk through your pain. Hell, if you have to talk to me. I'll give you my number if the need be. From the stuff I've seen in my short 19 years I consider myself experienced in this situation. I saw it all in the two years of marital problems, everything short of phsyical harm. It seems to me your a wonderful person and great dad because your putting your daughter first. I commend you, your doing the right thing.

Time will heal the wound, I promise. I pray your situation will turn for the best and hopefully you'll be able to work things out. If you get a chance to talk about your problems, please hold your ego, through out any temper, and be very calm and collective. Show your still a great man by holding your anger and show her you still love her. Remember, your not gaurenteed anything, so any chance given has to be handled lightly.

God be with you Sir. Please feel free to e-mail me and keep us posted. You have friends and people do care. Thank yourself for asking advice, it's a major step.

God be with your through all your troubles,
Dave
 

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I couldn't agree more with tall guy. It's always wise to use personal counseling, even if you think you are fine. Tallguy. I've been through alot to. I commend you for pushing through and keeping a positive head on your shoulders. It takes alot to perservere. When you do though.....it gives you all the pride in the world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I am very sorry for your loss TallGuyRR. I know how it is to lose a father, although I can not imagine losing your father in your situation. Love can make you do things you otherwise would not do. I hope you, your brother and sister know that you had nothing to do with this.

Yes, my daughter is the most important thing in my life. She will always know her Dad loves her and wants to be with her. She is a big help in me coping with this, but that is too large of a burden for a child even though she does not know it. I refuse to involve her in the emotions I am going through. She just needs to know that her Mom and Dad love her and that she has two homes instead of one.

I am seriously considering some divorce counseling. I have never considered myself a "counseling" kind of guy. I ride motorcycles, work on my own vehicles, smoke, drink beer, cuss, spit, and play with guns like a manly man, but this may be more than I can handle by myself. I can admit that.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. You have had to take on a adult role at too early of an age. All of you who are suffering will be in my prayers.
 

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jlamb30 said:
Thanks RSixxy.

Maybe some trackdays would help take my mind off this.

Who knows, maybe when all this is behind me, I'll have the pleasure of meeting the twins at Jennings.

I'll be on the prowl again, one day.
YW jlamb!! You know the only people that can understand your predicament are ones that have been there and...I have been there...

I see you are in Valdosta..used to have a friend who lived there about 10 years ago or so. You are right down the road from Jennings...Lucky :twofinger 3 hours for me...but that's not too bad!! I will be there the 22nd of this month and other months to come here and there...maybe we'll get the chance to meet. Track or riding in general has been good therapy for me when I have some low moments.

It's very soothing to just be by myself and not have to think about anything but the bike and riding :)
 

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Wow TallGuy....you have been through a lot in your short time here on earth...you sound like a very strong individual with a good head on his shoulders..very sorry to hear about your Dad :(
 
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