lets hear your best joke!!!

[Endorphine]

Originally Posted by damonmlime2000

No matter what message board I'm on when a joke thread comes up some asshole always starts with the dead baby jokes.

[chaos14]

which is easier to unload a truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of babies....the babies because you can use a pitch fork

and now to piss a few people off...remember its a joke

how many jews does it take to cook a steak? only 4 but it takes 6 to warm up the grill

[Bredebee]

Originally Posted by Endorphine

What's funnier than 10 dead babies in a trashcan?

one dead baby in 10 thrash cans =D

I'm failing to see the humour in that .................is it just me ????????

[Gimpdiggity]

Originally Posted by bredebee

I'm failing to see the humour in that .................is it just me ????????

It's just you.



What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple??


You don't cum in the apple before you eat it.

[novakane]

why dont black kids play in sandboxes?

the cats keep burying them

[DEMIAN1970]

>> A man was buying his first classic Harley Davidson motorcycle. The big
>> hog
>> was in excellent condition and he asked the seller how he kept the
>> bike in
>> such good shape. "It's pretty simple," said the seller. "Just make
>> sure you rub
>> Vaseline on the chrome if the bike is going to be outside in the rain.
>> That
>> will protect it. In fact, you can have my tube of Vaseline. I won't
>> need it
>> anymore."
>>
>> So, the man bought the Harley and rode off with his tube of Vaseline.
>> He
>> picked up his girlfriend and went for a ride. In the evening he
>> decided to ride
>> the bike to his girlfriend's parents' house. He was meeting them for
>> the
>> first time and thought the beautiful, classic motorcycle would make a
>> big
>> impression.
>>
>> When the couple got to the house, the girlfriend grabbed her
>> boyfriend's
>> arm, "Honey, I need to tell you something about my parents before we
>> go in. When
>> we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything
>> during
>> dinner has to do the dishes."
>>
>> "No problem," he said and in they went.
>>
>> The boyfriend was astounded. Right in the middle of the living room
>> was a
>> huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room was another huge stack
>> of
>> dishes. Piled up the stairs were more dirty dishes. In fact,
>> everywhere he looked,
>> he saw dirty dishes. They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one
>> said a
>> word.
>>
>> As dinner progressed, the boyfriend decided to take advantage of the
>> situation. He leaned over and kissed his girlfriend. No one said a
>> word. So, he
>> decided to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looked at her parents
>> and they
>> were still silent. So, he stood up, grabbed his girlfriend, stripped
>> her naked
>> and they made love right on the dinner table. Still, no one said a
>> word. So,
>> he grabbed his girlfriend's mom and had his way with her right there
>> on the
>> dinner table. Again, not a word was spoken. Suddenly, a few raindrops
>> hit the
>> window and the boyfriend realized it was starting to rain. He
>> remembered the
>> motorcycle and wanted to take care of it right away, so he pulled the
>> Vaseline from his pocket.
>>
>> The father stood up and shouted, "All right, all right! I'll do the
>> damn dishes."

[novakane]

a lazy husband got his ass off the couch one day and decided he wanted to wash his favorite sweater. he went downstairs to the laundry room and forgot what setting to put the washing machine on. he yelled upstairs to his wife "honey, i forgot what setting to put the machine on" "whats it say on the shirt?" she asks. the man replies "oklahoma state"

[EEfz6]

One day, the pope takes a trip to Alaska. He comes upon a bear atacking a liberal tree hugging hippy. From out of nowhere, four loggers jump out. Two start hitting the bear with 2x4's to distract it, while one of the others pulls the tree hugger to safety. The last then shoots the bear, killing it.

The pope, in awe, approaches the loggers. "You young men have shown great kindness," says the pope. "I have always heard of the animosity between loggers and tree huggers, but you gentlemen put your lives at stake to save this man. God will surely bless you all the days of your life." With that, the pope left.

One of the loggers asked, "Who was that guy?" Another replied, "He is the pope. He has direct access to God and all of His wisdom." The third said, "Well for someone with direct access to God, he sure don't know much about bear hunting!" The fourth asked, "So, is this hippie still ok, or do we need to go back to town to get more bait?"

[Mucho Gonzales]

Elton John may be a great pianist, but he blows on the organ.

i got that from someone's signature somewhere, but that's my new joke.

here's an older joke that i told all the time...got it from some comedian on tv sometime...

A young polar bear comes home from school and askes his mom, 'mom, are you sure i'm a polar bear'. She says, 'Yes, i'm sure'. The next day the young polar bear comes home from school and says, 'Mom, are you and dad polar bears'? She replies, 'yes, of course we are'. The next day the young polar bear comes home from school and says, 'Mom, were dad's and your parents polar bears?' She says, 'yes they were'. These type of questions go on for a couple of weeks until finally the young polar bear comes home from school and says, 'Mom...?'. The mother interupts and says, 'why are you asking all of these questions about being a polar bear'?

The young polar bear says, 'because I'm fucking freezin!'

[m21att1]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use
knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[FZ1-KEP]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put
$50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching,quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[FZ1-KEP]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, "said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

[FZ1-KEP]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[m21att1]

A man was walking down the street
when he met a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for
a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you
buy some beer with it
instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"
the homeless man
replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing
instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing,"
the homeless man said.



"I need to spend all my time
trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees
at a golf course
instead of food?
" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!"
replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf
in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on
a woman in the red light district
instead of food?"
the man asked.

"What disease would I get for
ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man,
"I'm not going to give you the money.



Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a
terrific dinner cooked
by my
wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty,
and I probably
smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.
It's important for her to see
what a man looks like after he
has given up:




Beer--Fishing--Golf,
&-- Sex."

[jasonn]

Originally Posted by FZ6-KEP

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, "said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

I just called my wife and told her and the girl that works in the office with her. They were laughing their asses off! GOOD JOKE!