Warning typoer is dwunk!!
The Long KH Wacked Humor Enhanced version..... of How I Nearly Drowned as My Friends Watched!!
This tale took place a couple years or so ago... (I wrote this a few years ago and just cleaned it up so it was readable *refer to top line* I used some odd alcoholic encryption that the NSA couldn't decipher so I figured I best fix it on 6-1-05 so it actually took place a good 2-3 years ago)
We were out dritbikin, havin fun.
: We had been riding hard all day and were on the way back to the trucks to tell lies, (bench race) smoke shit and drink cold beer! :friday: Thats the best part ofot (t biking is the end of the day!
It was a new trail we found and hadn't been on before... and like all of Hawaii it was typical, huge hills due to the dam near straight up mountains, hard packed red clay and Lava Rocks that can be the size of a house or bigger!
A smattering of smaller rocks mixed with lots of grass, ferns, vines, weird plants that look like there from another world, lots of huge trees (roots Shit!) and small trees. With some big rocks here and there. (dont forget the Wild Boars, the Pot Growers that are heavily armed usually with automatic weapons, the Hunters naturally armed and sometimes real Military on maneuvers doing live firing! Grenades n shit!)
Our trails are tight and nasty. This was no exception. Up and down wikid hills weaving through the trees bouncing off rocks and riding through the jungle. Great stuff!
Thats why Hawaii riders are some of the top doods around the dirty side of bikes. (John De Soto, Phillip Oveland, Paul Thied owner of - *Race Tech* all world champs in some way or another)
Oop, sidetracked. Off topic. Back to the *show*
Then we came to this stream crossing, a 3 foot drop off into a 2-3 foot deep, water moving slowly and ice cold. (It comes off the peaks *6000 feet* in winter, rain from high altitude and is average 45 - 60+ degrees depending on time of year and atmospheric conditions. It snows on the higher peaks on Maui and the Big Island)
Stream is full of the normal stream stuff, pig shit, leaves, fruit off the guava and lilikoi trees, sticks, odd crap and lots of smooth slippery river rocks, most are small but lots are the size of bowling balls or bigger to make keeping a straight line hard to impossible, it's maybe 12 feet wide.
Thats the mellow side...
The other side was a 15 foot near vertical wall of red clay and big roots, a trench from the tire spinning dog paddlers when its dry about 2 feet deep just wide enough to fit the pegs in make it tough. But that's not enough.
There's a nasty little problem. At the top is a massive boulder forcing the only way up to do a 90 degree left turn dam near at the top! The boulder is kind of sticking out of the bank* a foot or two into the ditch... REALLY UGLY. Hard to make dry. With wet red clay you be lucky to climb up it on foot.
There was about 10 of us. So when the first guy saw it and began to cry and mutter all sorts of shit the rest thought **** dam its 5 in the afternoon getting dark, too late to back track and see if we can find another way to the beer which is just a mile or two away. This put a helluva strain on the tired, cranky and thirsty bunch...
We face the facts. Most of the group ain't got a snowballs chance in hell of getting up this dam obstacle... KH knows this and parks his trusty steed and wades into the icy water to assist the guys in manhandling the bikes up the thing. Its 90+ degrees out 100% Humidity. In minutes we are STEAMING! Literally! There is steam coming off our bodies as we labor away in the humid sweltering heat. (Heat exhaustion is a big problem here. Top athletes die in the jungles fairly often.. a pro big wave surfer riding by himself got lost and died of hypothermia not long ago)
Much struggling and swearing later we manage to get all the bikes up, mine is the last. It's still on the other side. The guys start to move to the bottom falling down the dam slippery ass cliff to drag my bike up and 'ol KH stuns and shocks :shock: the group by announcing...
"Don't bother coming down... WATCH THIS, I'll show you how its done...." Oh Hell NOOO!!! OMG! I said the....
"THE FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!!"
Every time I say that I generally put on a helluva show, or dam near die, cause a huge wreck or put many people into danger with my insane antics... there's only one thing more risky for me... a frikken Camera! If there's a camera around you can be assured I will do some incredibly wacked thing for it
I fire the trusty steed up (no easy task when wet n slippery CR 500cc 2 stroke.. few people ride them in the trails. I do, I like my big HP except in snot like this) I leap off the bank into the water gas it and wheelie across stream in fine form, to attack the cliff face at a decent speed (prolly double what anyone in there right mind would try, momentum is your friend Right? ) still wheeleing (Of course, weight transfered to the rear for best traction....) I make it to the top duck soup no sweat.
I figure worst comes to worst I can peg it into the clay and at the least its at the top... Ya, right. I aint that smart, I aint gonna give up.
I "plan" to keep it up on the rear and at precisely the right instant hang off the left and pivot the beast to the left and gracefully glide to a stop in front of the cheering, gaping mouths of my friends! Ummmmmm....
*the asteric above is important here...
Theres a large rock jutting out from the hill I need to think about, the smooth way it to obviously avoid this car sized chunk of meteor. My front tire feels otherwise and instead of executing the nice pivot turn I had in mind it heads straight for it kisses it, compressing the front fork as it does... the rebound stroke exerts this push that pushes the bike as a whole outward away from the cliff and it's vertical climb....
Hmmmm... Slowly it seems the bike begins to change its attitude in mid air, the push on the front is taking effect on the flying bike! Its now inverted.. as in upside down! 15 feet up in the air! With me attached... I manage to stifle a last death scream as I begin my re-entry back down to earth... can't be a wuss infront of the boyz!
I have it screaming most likely from some primal fear that I might as well hurt it, I sense it's going to return the favor :shock: something isn't quite right with the situation... but I'm still hanging on like I always do, thinking I can save it!
This is not good.... (remember I at this time, was still attached to said bike...) and begin a 15 or so foot plummet back to earth... or in this case 2-3 feet of icy cold mountain water and rocks and slam into the water, bike on top with a force that I'm sure was read on Richter Scales Island wide!
ahhhhh, I slip into a dreamy state, heading for the light...
Beautiful stream.
Beautiful day....
Just like in the movies, a world renown surfer (Gerry Lopez) says as he's getting towed out on a huge day at Jaws,
Today is a good day to die... I guess... this flashed through my feeble mind only moments before the reality that a 260 pound piece of machinery still at full song is going to pile drive me straight into the depths of hell or some place! :shock:
Its a scary, ugly thing.... especially when its happening to you and not one of your pals! They will all be eager to tell this one at the "end of ride beer swillin contest" making rude comments like Did ya see his eyes bugging out as the bike was about to deep six em?!? LMFAO!!! What a knuckle head!! and so on...you can bank on it, thats a mandatory part of dirt biking or any racing event.
Face it a good bench racing story is the best there is, no one wants to hear how your wedding ceremony went, or how your kid is on the Rednek Top 10 delinquents list or why he is on the front page of the paper with a bloody ax...
Nothing beats a few cold ones after a hard ride to get ya primed and warmed up to tell yer big story to all the screaming fans, girls throwing themselves at you.. and of course remember the 10 or so beer swilling scumbags that came with you?
They are in awe of what they just relived through my words! The open mouths, the stunned looks are my pay off........ ehh? I better swill some more beer and smoke more of that shyt, it aint my day to tell stories, I feel like a crushed, drowned sea slug this time around... the howls of laughter and comments burn my ears! My humiliation is beyond description, if I were Japanese the Ceremonial Hari Kari Knife would be in front of me, its velvet lined lacquer box opened and waiting for me to :save face" to put the torment to an end...
Even worse though is you cant keep from thinking WHY? WHY? Did I have to say "WATCH THIŒ3|c I'll show you how to do it... by now you know better than to say the words that nearly always get my ass into a hole...
I hear my friends telling the tale again for maybe the 6th time... the bodys rolling on the ground, the fists beating on the dirt, the laughter and my "friends" howling about the show they saw I put on...
...the bike hit him lucky with the seat and flopped over on his head! Lucky nothing sharp stuck em! His Helmet was holding the bike off his head! More remarks and comments ... I ignore them.
The terror of dam near drowning in that stream is still fresh... pinned under water! Geesus! It could only happen to me... I was trapped on the bottom of that DAMMED stream! I couldnt breathe! The bike knocked the wind out of me and now I desperately wanted in the worst way to BREATHE !! I suck in a mouth/lungful of that chilly water! The shock hits home HARD! YOUR GOING TO DIE!!! Choking on water I try to get the bike off me in a frantic last chance to free myself but I cant budge it!
Where are the dam guys?? Why arent they getting me out of the water?
There all laughing so hard at the event they just witnessed they arent thinking you may be "DROWNING"
Finally I feel something move! The bike is off me!! I sit up, surrounded by the guys, who are equally as shocked as I cough out a gallon of mucky water gagging gasping unable to get my breath! AIR I NEED AIR!!! They are asking all sorts of crap, Are you OK? Huh? Hey man you alright? I cant answer because I cant breathe! Getting winded is bad enough, getting crushed by a bike underwater is beyond description!
Anything for a tiny breath of air! Water continues to pour from my nose, and spray out with the contractions of my chest...
I'm shivering sitting in the dam cold river... finally I catch a tiny gasp of air... another and another... wheezing, coughing now. Ahhh air Oh God! I double up and cough my dam lungs out slowly I become aware of the guys concerned looks. I manage to squeak out a eyem okay... I cant talk yet but dont want to make them worry.... or look like a wimp in front of the guys!
10 minutes later they have my bike up the hill and are in the process of pulling the plug and flip it upside down and with it in gear turn the tire to purge the water from the cases and cylinder...
They put it through a similar process that I just went through... the gushes of water out the plug hole remind me of the water pouring from my nose! HAHA Fukin bike serves ya right ya heartless POS!!!
4 feet down in ice water on a hypothermia day... the sudden change dam near did it for me going from 90+ to who knows what! Sheesh what a shock!
It instantly made a stack of quarters... if ya catch my drift... when the jewelry contacted that icy water it shrinks up and gets all wrinkly... ! The stack of quarters, and mind you it's a kinda small stack especially height wise. A old water skiing tournament joke from when when we had to be ready for the rope as the next skier was up. The Wailua River is freezing cold and our ski board tournaments were held there several times a year.
Yup, that was a cocky KH lil didly true story. Trapped under water, freakin, Only happened once...In all my Off roading years out there "cheating death.....
Dirt bikes, there always blast, Ill tell you, Ive gone down allot. Its another of those moments we all will experience in some severity at one time or another...
...all my friends- watching.. are laffin so hard they couldnt move as I was drowning. I guess it wasn't that bad, I'm talkin about it... The abuse I recieved at the hands of the hecklers was almost as bad.... I stikk get "reminded" of that unfortunate day.... thats one of those storys that will live on in imfamy.... At least there wasn't a CAMERA about to record the incident! It would have been ugly if a camera was there to record my re-entry
Dam Munky!
Nearly Drown as My Friends are Wildly Laughing and Watching... A Good 'ol KH Story
.........lengthy but good read
One of many stories I attempted to write about in a loke you were there watching through my eyes kind of way... I finally gave up trying to describe anything in a through my eyes manner, my brain is way to far out for anyone to figgure out... especially with my piss poor spelling, missing words and incoherent mumblings that sometimes find there way into them. 
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