Chuck Norris Facts

[klouseau]

Chuck Norris was pulled over for drunk driving. He blew a 777%, but he passed the sobriety test and was let off with a warning. So was the police officer.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't go to class but still gets perfect attendance.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

[FZ1-KEP]

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer....too bad that Chuck Norris never cries.

[FZ1-KEP]

God said, "let there be light" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please!"

[obxFZ6]

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

[FZ1-KEP]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[klouseau]

Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris, so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

[klouseau]

Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.

[WSU_bean]

When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris'
roundhouse kick.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill
me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save
the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f * ck he wants.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
fools Chuck Norris.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death
can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around
awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even
glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back
of the face.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then
he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f * ck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris
will not take sh 1 t from anyone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden
barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick a
$$ ."

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean
"kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris can jump start a car by holding both terminals of the battery
and flexing.

[klouseau]

If at first you don't succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's favorite number of planets was eight, therefore Pluto no longer exists.

When asked if he prayed to god. Chuck Norris replied "Yeah I talk to myself all the time"

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week afterwards

[klouseau]

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

[FZ1-KEP]

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

[klouseau]

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

[klouseau]

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

[klouseau]

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

[klouseau]

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.