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Ok, so here's the story... My wife and I met October of 98, married June of 99. To be completely honest, I have no idea why we got married in the first place, and I wish to god it had never happened. I literally remember my first thought after saying "I do" was, "What the FUCK did you just DO dipshit?"
Since then we've had ups and downs just like all couples do. I've tried to leave her once in the past, around August of '01. She convinced me to stay saying all the usual, "I'll change, everything will be better" bullshit that people say when they're not ready to let go. I went through a 5 month period of depression due to unemployment right after 9/11 happened, and she admits now that she nearly left me because of that. We moved back to Arkansas in '02, which I could only stand for about 3 months before I told her I was coming back to Seattle with or without her. We were together but I was living here and she was living there for about a month while we worked out the finances and stuff to get our lives back together up here. During that time we BOTH cheated, and I'm ashamed to admit she's the only one who had the balls to come clean. She still doesn't know that I did, and I doubt she ever will. I almost left her when she told me, but then I realized that I had done it too and decided to just call it even.
So here we are, 4 years later... To everyone on the outside looking in, and her to a lesser extent, everything is peachy keen. We're the typical happy 'successful' couple with a descent house, 2 nice cars, and I've got a nice motorcycle to boot. How did we manage to accumulate all this? hell if I know... I haven't been happy for a very long time, although I can't explain exactly why. At this point I'm just ready for it to be over, and therein lies the problem.. I've NEVER ended a relationship before... I've always been the one being dumped, and I don't know how to play the other part. I still care about her and her feelings, and it kills me to see her cry, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with her any more. A lot of my problem has to do with what others will think, too... Her family loves me, and my family loves her... Every day I think to myself, "How can you consider causing so much pain to so many people that you care about?" and end up just sucking it up, accepting that it's better for me to be unhappy than to hurt the feelings of others.
Am I completely irrational in thinking that at some point I deserve to be happy too? Should I just continue to suck it up and live my life in misery? I've gone so far as to consider suicide, which I KNOW is completely irrational, but sometimes seems like it would be easier than actually asking for a divorce...
I know this is a dangerous place to ask for advice (especially on something like this), but occasionally there are some mature people in this forum. Hopefully someone with more experience and a clearer point of view will give me some guidance...
Posts: 8,309
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Pre-emptive strike - if Lawson comes into this thread with advice about PIITB, at least consider it. The man's never been wrong.
That being said, suicide obviously isn't the answer. People who take that route should just be ridiculed for being ungrateful for everything they're given. If you feel your marriage is in trouble, talk to her about it. Maybe counseling can help. Divorce is expensive for both sides. My family went through three of them, and everytime it happened we had to spend several years recovering financially.
My advice to you is to do what you feel is right. If that means a divorce, then so be it. That's your decision to make. But if you think it's more important that you don't disappoint the people that are on both sides of the family, then counseling should be a valid option.
Life is too short to be unhappy. I am positive that your family and hers would rather see you happy even if that means not being together with her. It will be hard but you have to do it. Try talking to her and explaining your feelings, or talk to someone you can confide in. It will feel good to get it out and you can hear others point of view as well.
Yeah, as long as y'all don't have kids involved, end it. I don't know what divorce laws are in your area - at least you don't live in Cali (palimony, alimony, etc.). Just be honest, and that way, you don't have to worry about it in the future - nothing eating at your gut! It's easier when kids aren't involved - so if y'all don't have kids, you're probably in good shape.
You should really consider marriage counseling. If it doesn't work and you end the marriage, at least you can leave knowing that you made the effort.
You have every right to be happy. No one should live with an unhappy marriage. Life is too short. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until after my divorce even though I didn't want it. Now, I have found a woman that fits me perfectly.
Just be up front and honest with her. She deserves to know your intentions and how you feel before being hit with divorce papers.
I was in a similar yet much less serious and signifacant sitation not to long ago. My girlfriends friend were my friends, her friends were mine, her parents loved me and mine loved her. Everything was great except I just wasn't happy with the situation. Everytime I'd try and end it she would cry and we'd get back together because it would kill me to see her cry. Finally I got the balls and ended it for good.
You need to realized it's your life and you're number 1. Your main goal should be to make yourself happy then worry about others (as selfish as that sounds). If you are unhappy, bounce.
On a sidenote you should probably not take my advice. I still miss my ex like crazy... her smile, the smell of her hair, that cute face she made while tounging my ballls...
If you've cheated, and she's cheated- there's never gonna be the same level of trust ever again. Plus, you're not happy.
What you do is sign your bike over to a family member you trust, like your bro or dad, get a divorce- keep your bike- and then get it back next year from said relative.
Seriously, life's too short to be miserable. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses.
I don't believe in divorce. But i also don't believe in cheating. If you're at that point, that's what divorce is for, man.
It can be easier if you both want out, and both work. That way, there can be a somewhat civilized asset division....
but then again, there's a woman involved- so you never know....
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I agree with these guys life is to short to be unhappy. With that said, have you expressed your feelings to her? Communication is one of the biggest parts of a relationship. She might be having the same feelings about you and she just doesnt want to hurt you. If you try to please other people all of the time all it will do is cause to is be unhappy because there is no time left for you. My advise is to sit down and have a long talk.....but go somewhere other than your house. You might be suprised to find out what you might learn. Counseling is another good option. In the end though you need to way the pro's and con's.......write it down on paper then you have a visual on the subject and it might make things more clear. All of that said my advise would be to sit down and talk with her and look at things with open eyes and leave your ego at the door step.....we all have egos and they get in the way a lot.....anyways good luck with whatever direction you decied to go.
__________________ Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
If you've cheated, and she's cheated- there's never gonna be the same level of trust ever again. Plus, you're not happy.
What you do is sign your bike over to a family member you trust, like your bro or dad, get a divorce- keep your bike- and then get it back next year from said relative.
Seriously, life's too short to be miserable. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses.
I don't believe in divorce. But i also don't believe in cheating. If you're at that point, that's what divorce is for, man.
It can be easier if you both want out, and both work. That way, there can be a somewhat civilized asset division....
but then again, there's a woman involved- so you never know....
Property isn't an issue. We've had 'the talk' recently and she knows I'm not happy, and contemplating leaving. She said at that point that we'd basically take what's ours and not be asses about it. I'd have to re-fi my truck to get her name off of it if we weren't able to pay it off with proceeds from selling the house, but that's the only thing of "mine" that her name is on.
I've recently gone through this, myself. It is an awful thing to go through, and no matter how sure you are of your decision, you will be left very depressed at times with feelings of vulnerability-but it will go away and you will be happy again. Like they said, it is not good to live an unhappy life for the sake of marriage. I have to say that when I chose to leave, many of my "friends" took sides and I was left with a few real friends. Be prepared for that. Good luck.
I have no friends outside of work and internet anyways, so that's not an issue. Besides that, I've always been very 'possessive' of my friends, so the few people I do know outside of work and the internet know very little about my wife.
I think the real question is: what is the root of your unhappiness? Is it just your life situation? You don't like being married? You would rather be out at the bar hanging with the other single guys? You just looking for some strange?
I guess what I am asking is She really the problem or is it something else? You guys have been married for almost 7 years, meaning you were what, 21 when you got married? Are you feeling like you missed out on the whole "sowing your oats" portion of your life? Do you guys have different life goals now? Do you just not love her anymore? This is one of the reasons I don't think guys should get married till after 28 and women after 25. We all have "urges" to work through before settling down .
Anyway, just some questions to ponder.
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The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
I'm sorry that things are not going well for you. I thought you might be interested in the perspective of a female. I too, have been involved in a relationship where I have bascially been unhappy for years on end. In my situation there was one difference, I loved him very much but it was so clear to me that he didn't love me. I tried to reason to myself many times over that he wouldn't stay if he didn't care but after reading your posts it makes me understand that maybe he felt similar to you. Perhaps he didn't know how to end it either.
HONESTY, no matter how difficult, is truly the best policy. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she is just as miserable as you are but afraid of being without you. In the end you will both be better off. Think of all the wasted years living in unhappiness because you're probably both afraid to end something that in many ways probably meant little more than comfort (something one gets used to).
You can never take back the lost years, just like I can't but you can move forward. Eventually time will heal your wounds and you will find a relationship that makes you happy. You'll find someone to love who isn't a burden, who makes you weak in the knees and makes your heart pound.
You do your wife no favors by remaining with her as unhappy as you write that you are. I know for my part I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't or will ever love me the way I know I deserve to be! Good luck to you!
__________________ Diana AKA ANKLEESTA Sitting on the Couch Facing Officer737
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You need to find out WHY you are unhappy. Whats causing it?
Are you sure its the marriage?
The marriage/your wife may not be the problem. You need to figure that out first before you do anything else otherwise you will find yourself in the same place, just single.
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Isnt it interesting that some types of
riders found out that loud pipes are cheaper than penile implants?
Why is breaking up so god damned hard?
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