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I think the real question is: what is the root of your unhappiness? Is it just your life situation? You don't like being married? You would rather be out at the bar hanging with the other single guys? You just looking for some strange?
I guess what I am asking is She really the problem or is it something else? You guys have been married for almost 7 years, meaning you were what, 21 when you got married? Are you feeling like you missed out on the whole "sowing your oats" portion of your life? Do you guys have different life goals now? Do you just not love her anymore? This is one of the reasons I don't think guys should get married till after 28 and women after 25. We all have "urges" to work through before settling down .
Anyway, just some questions to ponder.
I can't really put a finger on WHAT makes me unhappy. Even worse, I can't think of any single thing that DOES make me happy. I feel comfortable in my life, but not like I've earned it. I don't really get in to the whole bar scene, and as far as 'sowing my oats' I slept with more women from 17-21 than most PROMISCUOUS people do their whole lives... I know I got married way too young. I wasn't prepared for the commitment. Before her I'd never been with anyone for more than 6 months, and that was more about sex than an actual relationship. I do feel like I've missed out on a whole lot of what life has to offer because I've been too concerned with keeping her happy, even sacraficing my own happiness in the process. I think I'm going to sit her down soon and have another talk, but I really don't think there's any hope of salvaging the relationship...
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnKleBiTer
I'm sorry that things are not going well for you. I thought you might be interested in the perspective of a female. I too, have been involved in a relationship where I have bascially been unhappy for years on end. In my situation there was one difference, I loved him very much but it was so clear to me that he didn't love me. I tried to reason to myself many times over that he wouldn't stay if he didn't care but after reading your posts it makes me understand that maybe he felt similar to you. Perhaps he didn't know how to end it either.
HONESTY, no matter how difficult, is truly the best policy. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she is just as miserable as you are but afraid of being without you. In the end you will both be better off. Think of all the wasted years living in unhappiness because you're probably both afraid to end something that in many ways probably meant little more than comfort (something one gets used to).
You can never take back the lost years, just like I can't but you can move forward. Eventually time will heal your wounds and you will find a relationship that makes you happy. You'll find someone to love who isn't a burden, who makes you weak in the knees and makes your heart pound.
You do your wife no favors by remaining with her as unhappy as you write that you are. I know for my part I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't or will ever love me the way I know I deserve to be! Good luck to you!
Thank you, I do appreciate the women chiming in here... Another question for you.. what can I do to soften the blow for her? I don't really want to be with her any more, but I don't want to completely destroy her emotionally either...
What you do is sign your bike over to a family member you trust, like your bro or dad, get a divorce- keep your bike- and then get it back next year from said relative.
Seriously, life's too short to be miserable. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses.
Best advice I've seen yet. Especially about signing the bike over.
Dude, just go with your gut. We've all been in unhappy relationships here, and NONE of us deserved to feel the way we did when we were in one. Your happiness is all you should be caring about.
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R.I.P. Aunt Peggy, I miss you already, "Momma"
Some guys make love, some guys make romance. Me? I make history.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ASCIBlue
I hate you, I hope you rot in hell. Thanks for the quote. Have a nice day.
Laws without enforcement are like NYC speed limits: a good suggestion.
Thank you, I do appreciate the women chiming in here... Another question for you.. what can I do to soften the blow for her? I don't really want to be with her any more, but I don't want to completely destroy her emotionally either...
There isn't any "proven" way to soften the blow. I still think you should be honest with her. Counseling may be a good idea but I think you should start with individual then if there is even a remote chance of salvaging this marriage go to couples.
NO amount of talking, no amount of compromising...nothing can or will change that. If someone is unhappy it will manifest itself one way or the other. There have been so many times I had wished I was strong enough to cut the ties that bind but I never could. All I did was cry myself to sleep night after night, all the while knowing he was unhappy. You can't make someone love you, just like you can't make yourself care for someone.
I'd rather be alone than be in a loveless relationship, alone rather than be with someone who just gets through the day and goes through the motions, Alone rather than watch the person I love show me at every turn how little they care (in my case he cheated, almost cheated and even left me for someone but came back out of comfort rather than love). I was so grateful to have him back that it never occured to me how lonely I would end up being as time passed. I could share the same space with him but might as well have been a hundred miles apart for all the attention he paid me.
Do yourself and your wife a favor, allow both of yourselves to find something that makes you both happy. If you are miserable trust me she knows and is probably as miserable or worse.
__________________ Diana AKA ANKLEESTA Sitting on the Couch Facing Officer737
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TemtnF8, it sounds like you're living my life, but I'm not married. Been with the girl 5 years & this is pretty much an EXACT write up of what's going on between us.
TemtnF8, it sounds like you're living my life, but I'm not married. Been with the girl 5 years & this is pretty much an EXACT write up of what's going on between us.
Too bad you live on the east coast... we could start our own little support group...
I found your post interesting, and, quite surprising at the same time.
You don't seem to be sure what you are feelings are for her, and that worried me, as it looks like you have a deeper problem and the relationship situation is just a symptom of it.
I know it may not make sense to you at this point, but, let me tell you this. I'm bipolar, so I get depressed quite often, and when I'm fine I love my gf, when I'm depressed, I don't even want to think about asking her out, or if I'm with her, I just can't wait for her to leave. Things I usually love become irrelevant, and sometimes I even dislike them.
It seems to me that you've been depressed for a longer time than you can remember.
Please go see a therapist before you do something you may regret about in the future, don't do it for her, do it for you. After all, if you are not feeling good, and divorce, it won't solve anything, it may only make things worse.
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Süsser Tod - Ich bin der ungelebte Traum
Last edited by Süsser Tod : 04-18-2006 at 09:24 AM.
Your responsibility in life is to yourself and your family. Bottom line is, you've invested a lot of time into this girl, and you've bonded your two families by marrying her. Personally, I wouldn't throw all of that time away on the sheer fact that you haven't been able to figure out what makes you happy. She is part of your family now, whether you like it or not, but your responsibility is to yourself first. You need to figure your life out without her in the equation. Basically, examine your entire situation without her as any issue, good or bad. Then add in the rest of your family and see how that changes any if your situations. Finally, add her in and see how that affects the rest of your goals.
Will divorcing her make you happy? I doubt it. Is she the root cause of everything that's making you unhappy? I doubt that as well. Maybe spend some more time away from her and figure this one out yourself. There's nothing a therapist will tell you that you don't already know - but sometimes it takes the prodding from an "authority" to get you to admit it.
I'm not saying don't divorce her, I'm just saying that divorcing her isn't going to make you any happier... especially in the short term.
You need to fess up about your infidelity to her. Carrying around that guilt isn't helping your mindset. Hell, she might choose to leave YOU over the infidelity, and covering it up for all this time.
no matter how much you trust her, when in a property division situation, CYA!!! Not diggin on women here, but I have 3 friends that had all their shit taken after she said she didn't want any of it. kinda a big FU for the females hurt. resentment will settle in and she'll get mad and viola, she's passing ya on the freeway on your ride.
Get some UVs. Sounds wierd, but having lived in Seattle, then moving to VT (Burlington VT is also one of the rainiest places in the country), I know that if it's been dark and shitty for a while, i get depressed. But the minute I get outside and get some sun, I get really really happy. Combine that with getting excersice and i feel great. Might not solve a deeper problem, but it may help to take a bit of the edge off.
I'm sorry that things are not going well for you. I thought you might be interested in the perspective of a female. I too, have been involved in a relationship where I have bascially been unhappy for years on end. In my situation there was one difference, I loved him very much but it was so clear to me that he didn't love me.
And then you bought him a jacket and he bragged about it on SBN and now everything is great!... oh wait, wrong guy
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<coffee> OMG OMG I HAF D GREEN FONT HERE! LUKZ @ ME! WHEEEEEE!
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