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I recently had a blow out with my wife. I wanted you guys opinion on how I handled it.
I have been an engineer for about 3 years now. Employeers are not required to pay engineers overtime. The company I work for does pay us straight time for every hour we work, though. So I get overtime, just not time and a half.
My wife and I started out on a joint checking account. I learned very quickly that she can not handle money. Whether my check had 80 hours or 100 (I get paid biweekly) she spent all of it, and alway claimed that she didn't buy anything that was not an absolutely nessesary. Funny, when I worked 80 hours, that's what was required to survive. When I worked 100 hours, that's what was required to stay alive. Never did I get to put any towards paying off debt. I got sick of it and threatened to take her off my account. She told me that the day she was taken off my account would be the day she left. So I did not. I later found out that the only reason she wanted to be on my checking acount was so she did not have to stop spending when she ran out of money.
What I did do was open another account that she was not on to put only my overtime in. That way, I could pay off debt with it. She still had about $150 every other week to spend after bills. Well, a few weeks ago, I find a bank statement, and had several overdraft fees. I got pissed, and took her checkbook and debit card. When I took her debit card, I found a credit card in her billfold in my name (she ruined her credit before we were married by getting credit cards and not paying them, and can not get one now). I had known that she had messed the account up by over $900 over the past six months, but kept paying it out of my overtime. When I checked that account against the statement, she had screwed it up by about $1100 more. She had also maxed out the credit card to $2000.
You can't prosecute your spouse for identity theft, but she did not know that. I told her that I was going to prosecute her, so she agreed to come off my checking account. Now, she gets nothing but cash, and does not have access to one dime that I do not give her. She now gets $170 evrey other week, but I only give her $130. The other $80 per month goes to pay off her new credit card debt (which is in my name). At this rate, it will be paid off in about 2.5 years. That is extreme, but it was the only way to keep her from ruining me financialy.
Sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to know if you guys thought that I went too far, or how you would have handled it.
By the way, she does not work. She stays at home and raises our son.
Wow, how well did you know her before you guys got married? Finances should be openly and HONESTLY discussed between the two of you. If she is not responsible with money then you guys have to agree that she is not and she probably shouldn't handle it. She has to know that some people are not responsible with money period and for their own good, a system should be put in place to give them money. Cash is a good idea. Tell her to get a receipt for everything and tell her to communicate with you on all the purchases she makes.
tough love man... some people just don't know how to handle money and live above their means. For people like your wife, cash is the only way to go. That way they know when they are broke.
I use Quicken to watch my income/expenditure. It's a great tool to use to track your spending. A friend of mine discovered that he and his wife were spending about 75% of their monthly budget on entertainment (movies, DVDs, games, etc.)
Why don't you give that a try. It might scare your wife into changing her ways. Talk in terms of future planning(e.g. we'll be 65, no savings, no house, no car, kid can't get a job coz we can't afford an education, can't retire, can't live on Social Security with the kind of lifestyle we are comfortable with)
Oh an do a retirement fund. 401k, IRA, Roth, whatever. It's a good way to make your money off-limits to you.
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<coffee> OMG OMG I HAF D GREEN FONT HERE! LUKZ @ ME! WHEEEEEE!
</coffee>
Wow, how well did you know her before you guys got married? Finances should be openly and HONESTLY discussed between the two of you. If she is not responsible with money then you guys have to agree that she is not and she probably shouldn't handle it. She has to know that some people are not responsible with money period and for their own good, a system should be put in place to give them money. Cash is a good idea. Tell her to get a receipt for everything and tell her to communicate with you on all the purchases she makes.
We did talk about it. This is the way her parents handled money. She assured me that she found the way they handled money ridiculous, and she would not handle it like that. Now she uses the argument that this is the way she was brought up, and I shouldn't want to change her, I should love her and accept her for who she is.
This also means that to her, I should let her be the one to enjoy the fruits of my lifetime of work. Let's face it. It wasn't easy getting where I got. Get good grades in high school to earn a scholarship. Bust my butt in college to get one of the hardest degrees available. I do not think that it is too much to ask that I have the final decision over how money is handled, especially since I am the one that handles is resposibly.
tough love man... some people just don't know how to handle money and live above their means. For people like your wife, cash is the only way to go. That way they know when they are broke.
I use Quicken to watch my income/expenditure. It's a great tool to use to track your spending. A friend of mine discovered that he and his wife were spending about 75% of their monthly budget on entertainment (movies, DVDs, games, etc.)
Why don't you give that a try. It might scare your wife into changing her ways. Talk in terms of future planning(e.g. we'll be 65, no savings, no house, no car, kid can't get a job coz we can't afford an education, can't retire, can't live on Social Security with the kind of lifestyle we are comfortable with)
Oh an do a retirement fund. 401k, IRA, Roth, whatever. It's a good way to make your money off-limits to you.
I have a budget worked out. I know how much I spend, and where. The problem with her is that, if any money is left over after bills are paid, she should gte to enjoy it however she sees fit. And because she is an adult, nobody has the right to tell her she can't. And if she want's to spend more than that, and the bill are caught up, put some off. Let them be overdue so she can have more fun with money now.
I do currently do a retirement fund. I put in 3 percent, and the company matches. I just want to get out of these small debts I have the eat away at my take home pay so I can do more, such as save for a bigger house, put more in retirement, have a 3-6 month expenses rainy day fund, save for kids college. Things that I can't do if she is blowing every dime I can get my hand on.
You are right, nobody can tell her what to do and not to do. Then again, nobody tells you to be responsible but you do it anyway. The last thing you need is a fucked up credit score coz of your wife's spending habit.
If she wants to spend your money, then she'll live within your lifestyle, not hers. If she doesn't like that idea, she should spend her own money. Ask her to get a job. You can pay for daycare, both can take turns doing housework. It's you and your wife's responsibility to manage the finances of the family. Work something out... like I said before, tough love, show some kahunas. She'll thank you later, if she ever figures it out.
Sorry man, I don't mean to sound harsh but it's your family's future at stake. You let this get out of hand and eventually, it'll take your family down.
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<coffee> OMG OMG I HAF D GREEN FONT HERE! LUKZ @ ME! WHEEEEEE!
</coffee>
don't feel bad man.. my father in law's wife has run his credit up $25,000 + behind his back TWICE to support her deadbeat son. He had to refinance his house which was almost paid off both times to get shit straitened out. now she only gets enough cash from BOTH of their paychecks for gas and groceries.
What you should do is sign up for a credit monitoring service. They'll watch your credit reports for you for a monthly fee, and email you whenever there is an inquiry on your account or if a new account is opened. All of the major credit reporting agencies (experian, equifax, and transunion) offer this service directly (and will monitor the other agencies reports as well) or you can go to an outside source like freecreditreport.com Just make sure they're monitoring all three, otherwise it's not 100% effective.
You are right, nobody can tell her what to do and not to do. Then again, nobody tells you to be responsible but you do it anyway. The last thing you need is a fucked up credit score coz of your wife's spending habit.
If she wants to spend your money, then she'll live within your lifestyle, not hers. If she doesn't like that idea, she should spend her own money. Ask her to get a job. You can pay for daycare, both can take turns doing housework. It's you and your wife's responsibility to manage the finances of the family. Work something out... like I said before, tough love, show some kahunas. She'll thank you later, if she ever figures it out.
Sorry man, I don't mean to sound harsh but it's your family's future at stake. You let this get out of hand and eventually, it'll take your family down.
You don't sound harsh. That's why I did what I did. She has no way to get to the money I earn now, except what I give her. It's already out of hand, and has ruined our marriage. I despise the fact that I married her. I worked hard for what I got. She did not. I have the right to do with it as I choose, especially, when my whole family will benefit in the end from it.
From what I heard so far, you sound like you are the more mature and responsible person in your household. YOU busted your butt, YOU got the good grades, you deserve to eliminate your debt and act responsibly with your money. Is she argues about the way she was brought up, tell her then that her way is gong to get you broke and in financial disaster. urge her to control herself and pay the bebts first. I have nothing against enjoying herslef, going out and spending money, but that should be done when you have a nice comfortable cushion in a savings account. You cannot go out and spend your last 150$ on stupid stuff every paycheck and you have no reason to live from paycheck to paycheck. get a grip on your finances and ask her why can't she get a job. If she needs to spend, she needs to make the dough. She is not the only one who is a raising a son. I know a lot of people with more than one kid who have a regular job also. tell her that you are not a bank. Sit her down andtalk like 2 mature adults and tell her that you need her help. Tell her that you need to get out of debt because it is sucking your blood. People change and if you were brought up the wrong way, that does not give you an excuse on not to act responsibly. Threaten her about quiting your job because you don't feel like going anywhere.
don't feel bad man.. my father in law's wife has run his credit up $25,000 + behind his back TWICE to support her deadbeat son. He had to refinance his house which was almost paid off both times to get shit straitened out. now she only gets enough cash from BOTH of their paychecks for gas and groceries.
What you should do is sign up for a credit monitoring service. They'll watch your credit reports for you for a monthly fee, and email you whenever there is an inquiry on your account or if a new account is opened. All of the major credit reporting agencies (experian, equifax, and transunion) offer this service directly (and will monitor the other agencies reports as well) or you can go to an outside source like freecreditreport.com Just make sure they're monitoring all three, otherwise it's not 100% effective.
I have pretty much decided to put a fraud alert on my credit report. That way, no one can obtain credit in my name without them contacting me. It will make it harder for me to get credit, but I look at it like this: would it be harder for me to get credit with a score in the 400's and no faud alert, or a score in the 700's with a fraud alert. Right now, it should be in the mid to upper six hundreds. Because of her, it is in the mid to upper 500's.
From what I heard so far, you sound like you are the more mature and responsible person in your household. YOU busted your butt, YOU got the good grades, you deserve to eliminate your debt and act responsibly with your money. Is she argues about the way she was brought up, tell her then that her way is gong to get you broke and in financial disaster. urge her to control herself and pay the bebts first. I have nothing against enjoying herslef, going out and spending money, but that should be done when you have a nice comfortable cushion in a savings account. You cannot go out and spend your last 150$ on stupid stuff every paycheck and you have no reason to live from paycheck to paycheck. get a grip on your finances and ask her why can't she get a job. If she needs to spend, she needs to make the dough. She is not the only one who is a raising a son. I know a lot of people with more than one kid who have a regular job also. tell her that you are not a bank. Sit her down andtalk like 2 mature adults and tell her that you need her help. Tell her that you need to get out of debt because it is sucking your blood. People change and if you were brought up the wrong way, that does not give you an excuse on not to act responsibly. Threaten her about quiting your job because you don't feel like going anywhere.
The problem is, there are not two mature adults in my house. The is a 25 year old adult, 2 year old child, and 29 year old child. I have done the math, and it would actually cost me more money for her to work right now with the jobs she could get (childcare is outrageous), not to mention I beleive kids are better off being raise by a parent. She has not finished her degree. She stopped after we had our child. She is going back to school when both kids get in school (she is pregnant now).
I think with this current system, it should work out. At least I hope so.
Alright man. Good luck and please stand your ground. She might think she has got the upperhand because she is pregnant. Hold your balls high. God help you.
Money is the only thing my wife and I fight about. That's just how it is with a lot of marriages. You just have to be honest, calm, and have productive conversations about it.
Never, ever throw it up in her face that she doesn't work. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm sure you know how tough it is raising kids, even when you don't have to do anything else. Heaven help the world when I procreate. However, if she's not pulling her weight keeping the house nice, then you'll have issues. Always expect to help with chores, though.
I just wait till she yells at me to do something, do it to the best of my ability, then she goes in after me and does it "the right way". We've settled this by saying, everything outside (landscaping, house maintenance, garage) is my responsibility to keep nice. Everything inside, except the kitchen, is hers. It works out pretty nicely that way, she hates bugs and lizards, I hate laundry and Pledge
But anyway - I agree the cash route is best. An "allowance" is the only way to make sure you're not overspending. My wife doesn't ever pay attention to total when she uses her debit card.
You probably are making a lot more than typical 25 year olds, so just make sure you're maxing out your 401k and IRA contributions before everything is deposited into your accounts. Start splitting up your accounts - I have 6 different banks handling my money. I make sure mortgage is paid out of one account, bills out of another, etc. Mostly credit unions and small banks, except for the bills account at the large institution with free bill pay! I'm sure she knows how much you make - but just explain that you've split things up to ensure that the mortgage, insurance, etc is absolutely being paid without worry of overdraft fees or even bounced checks. After a while, she'll forget how much you actually make and only know how much is in the joint every month.
Plus, when you do start wanting to save for a house, new car, whatever - it'll make it easier to double up on savings in this manner
After a while, she'll forget how much you actually make and only know how much is in the joint every month.
Well, we don't have a joint anymore. As long as we did, she would overdraft the hell out of it, and then I had to pay it because my name was on it. Thanks for the well wishes.
if you dont mind me asking, what exactly is she spending all this money on? I agree with you that it is better to have a parent home to raise children and if she is pregnant now she most likely cant get a job. I think the cash allowance is the fairest way to handle this.
Married folks and money (kind of long)
However, if she's not pulling her weight keeping the house nice, then you'll have issues. Always expect to help with chores, though.
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