[bush]

Folks, I really need your help. We've got to find some
dirt on Ron Paul and find it fast. The primaries
are quickly approaching.

I’ve carefully searched Ron Paul’s personal
background. Can you believe this guy has been married
only once? And, that he’s been married to that same
woman for 50 years? Surely there must have been
numerous affairs during that time, but I’ve been
unable to find a single instance of it. I’ve listened
to quite a few interviews with his wife (hoping to
detect a chink in his armor) but all she does is
blather on and on about what a wonderful husband,
father, and grandfather he is. She fawns over his
impeccable integrity and how he would make such a
great president. Give me a break, Ms. Paul. What could
you possibly know about men?She should probably talk
to Rudy Guliani’s wife..er…mistress…er…whatever.

I checked Ron Paul’s professional background. We all
know that every politician has done at least one
illegal stock trade or colluded with someone at the
corporate level in some way, at least one time, if not
many times. But if Ron Paul has, he’s done a masterful
job of hiding it. Even in his private practice as an
OB/GYN, he has delivered over 4000 babies...and
performed several of them without the patient paying a
dime! No wonder they say he’s crazy. And no wonder
he’s not a multi-millionaire like John Edwards or Mitt
Romney. He should at least talk to Hillary Clinton
about investing in cattle futures.

I went on to Ron Paul’s political record. I just knew
that I’d find dozens of flip-flops on important
issues. After all, no politician can survive the
establishment without selling out his true principles.
It was only a few months ago that John “We must
protect our borders” McCain, was trying to push an
amnesty bill for illegal immigrants down our throat.
It's certainly no secret that Mike “I'm full of
one-liners” Huckabee raised more taxes than Bill
Clinton. And, Fred “I’ve always been a pro-life
conservative” Thompson admits to representing a
lobbyist organization that was pro-choice. But, alas,
much to my dismay, I found Ron Paul’s voting record in
2007 to look like a carbon copy of all his previous
voting records. No spin, no double-talk, nothing. He’s
not only refused to vote with the popular sentiment,
he has actually been the lone dissenting vote on
several occasions, even when it meant voting against
his own party! What’s up with this guy??

Don’t think I haven’t looked for a way to play the
race card, too. I had heard some rumors about Ron Paul
being a radical, white-robed, racist. Of course, his
own personal and political history provides an awful
lot of evidence that he supports equality for all
individuals and preferences for none. Well… so what?
Maybe his record does make that crystal clear. What
does that prove?

Ahh, and what about the religious issue? He’s a
protestant Christian, you know. Every student who ever
took a sociology class knows that the world is just
one huge crime scene and that every white protestant
male is a prime suspect. Barack Obama just doesn’t
realize how lucky he is to be running for the American
presidency with a Muslim background.

Well, out of total desperation to find
something—anything—that might blemish Ron Paul’s
character, I reviewed every single debate performance.
I listened intently for contradictions in his
statements. I found none. I watched carefully for
cheap shots at his opponents. Not even once. I looked
for instances of whining about his unfair treatment by
the moderators. Nada. I couldn’t even find a single
occasion where he rudely kept talking long after he
was told that his time was up!
What are we supposed to do???

Every top tier presidential candidate either has a
scandal in their background, an inconsistent voting
record, or some disconcerting weakness in their
character. At this point, I seriously think we should
search the underbelly of America for a new nominee.
Given the current requirements for popular support,
Ron Paul obviously doesn’t stand a chance in hell.