[Poo-tee-weet]

I actually read that whole thing and thought it was a good read....could have used some paragraphs, but you can't have everything.

And if you think your post was long, wait till you see what i got :D

I know i'm still young and all that, so i got over pretty much everything, but I still think about "What could have been" almost everyday.

I wrote this in January 2005 to kind of keep track of my life I guess...Nothing better to write about then you're first love anyways! Also, this really wasnt written to be posted on a forum, so you might not understand a couple inside jokes, but I wanted to keep the 5000 word (no sarcasm) story as short as possible lol.




Me and Brianna started talking around mid-late November I guess, when she added me to msn. We got along good and had the same attitude toward a lot of things; she always seemed to have the magical right thing to say exactly when I wanted to hear it. We flirted back and forth on MSN constantly with completely open minds, neither of us afraid to ask or say anything to the other. Obviously sex was a big topic, us both being teenagers with beautiful hormones inside us, so we’d joke around about her sucking 3 layers of skin off my cock and launching my dick like a rocket. Sex talk was fairly normal with Brianna seeing how she constantly had it on her mind when she was drunk and around guys that spent the night dry humping her, telling guys she’ll suck them off if they finish their drink and handing her ass out on a platter. I was all cool with this to be honest, because she was single and just putting herself out there.

Once we started talking on MSN, it gave us both a lot more time to get to know each other on a more serious note, something that she implied was unique to me, she implied this by saying, “Pretty sure I can talk to you easier then anyone I know about this kind of stuff”, and “I trust you so much more then a lot of people I know”. These topics got started by her, one night, asking me what I thought about in my spare time, since I was getting bored of the sex talk, I figured I would throw something out on the table and see how she acted. So, my response? Life. Obviously catching her off guard, I asked what she thought about that, she was surprised, and of course, wanted to know more. Eventually we were asking each other on what the meaning of life is, where we saw ourselves in 30 years, what makes people unique from their peers, the importance of honesty and trust, and most interestingly, our opinions on each other.

The first day I laid myself out on the table for her, i was still on the fence whether or not she was a skank, i couldn't make up my mind whether or not to pick her up. Earlier that day, Joel told me that he told Brianna they had no chance together and he wouldn’t date her. Later that night, she came onto MSN messaging me about how bummed out she was, of course I didnt ask why, because i didn't want to be intrusive, but i already knew why she was bummed. This sent some nice thoughts through my head, like "REBOUND GUY!!!” Trying my hardest to get laid by a fairly hot girl with no tits, i consoled her as best I could. Telling her something like, "Your alot smarter then you think you are, and theirs alot of people out there that think very highly of you, me being one of them. I don’t know what i would do if I had to go through life Briannaless." I thought it was either going to weird her out, or she would eat it like candy. Since my story isn't done yet, she ate it like candy obviously. She replied by saying "Alright your one of the nicest people i know.” wait about 5 seconds, "Ok your defiantly the nicest person i know". I was in!

After this we went through our conversations saying at least one corny thing about the other person, her saying things like: "I can't believe how much i trust you with everything I say, you’re so much different then anyone i know and I don't know what i would do without you." She told me countless times how much she trusted me, but never really bothered to ask if I trusted her or not until later, but that’s another topic.

OK, so this is about Mid-December, we're both in exams and are extremely busy. We manage to hang out in person twice during December and have a pretty amazing time, she's alot of fun, I like to think I’m fun, so it was all good. We decide that after exams we're going to hang out alot more. I say, "After exams, you know that your all mine right?" she replies with "Well obviously :)". That reminds me; you got a 4.0gpa and still owe me a blowjob, skank.

Felt like I was living the highlife with this girl. I told her that she convinced me that not all women are out to just hop on any cock they can find, which was me being honest. I told her that she meant more then anything I own, or anybody i've ever known, which was honest. She replied with, "Awwww you’re the one guy that actually makes me feel special :)". Another thing that got to me was her constantly saying how lonely she is without a boyfriend and wondering if I was also lonely without a girlfriend. Ok, great, things are going smooth.

That's basically our bonding story, now here is where it lit up for me and came close to breaking some VERY good friendships. The night before she left to go home for Christmas break, she told me that she wouldn’t have MSN at home, and wouldn’t have a way to talk to me for *gasp* a week and a half! We said our 30min goodbyes that night, her saying "We'll obviously I’m going to miss you more then anything and will think about you everyday". I basically said the same thing as well, except i actually did it, i thought about that girl everyday for a week and a fucking half. But back on topic, the next day I go in to write my last exam, only to have Joel start talking to me, it went something like this.

Joel - "So you study last night at all Miles?"
Miles - "Nah not at all man, I can't change my grade up or down anyways. You study at all?"
Joel - "Nah, I had Brianna over last night and was too busy getting sucked off."
Miles - "Really.....when was she over?"
Joel - "Whenever she wasn't online, before 9 oclockish."

Boom....umm...ouch? Yea that one fucking hurt. Granted Joel didn't know that I had a thing going for Brianna, I was still a pretty pissed off kid. I started trying to think of someone to blame or some sort of hidden meaning only to come up no good answers, except friends offering to beat up both of them (You're lucky Joel!! :D). This was the first day my doubts came in about the magical women Brianna. Now if I was smart, I would have bailed ship, but I like a good beating now and then and decided that my feelings for her were enough to ignore the fact she's sucking off my fried the same day she tells me how much i mean to her. Nice logic!

Christmas break, what a huge fucking nightmare, I had no one to goto for answers, and stayed inside the whole time doing fuck all.

Brianna strolled back into my city on the 3rd or 4th of January. I messaged her right away asking her if she missed me, of course she said yes, she always knows what to say! We talked for a bit until she asked me, "So did u miss me?", I replied with, "Don't you ever go away again, I thought about you everyday and don't plan on ever doing it again". Her response, "Aww I’m so glad to be back talking to you :)". I asked her that day when she wanted to come over to my place to hang out for a bit, she put me on hold the entire week and would never come over again. That week we continued to talk for 4-5+ hours a day pretty much, both of us staying up way later then we normally would. One particular topic that interested me was Thursday night, she asked me if I trusted her. I avoided the question and said, "What do you want me to trust you about?". She said that was a good question and dropped the subject. About 30minutes later she asked me again if I trust her. I replied by saying "If there is one thing I don't like doing, it's handing out my trust to too many people. You of all people, saying that you were burned in the past for doing it should know that". So we continued on for about 15min of her asking why I wouldn’t trust her until I finally gave up and said "Fine, I trust you". Just to get her off my back.

Friday the 7th. The dumbest, most pointless night of my life, i would have been put to better use picking my own shit out of the toilet then talking to Brianna that night and im fucking kicking myself for not saving MSN logs of this night. It started out fairly normal, until out of the infinite wisdom she has, decided to tell me, "Wow, some guy I used to work with, just asked me out". Right when she says that, I’m on webcam and trying my hardest to not throw my arms up and yell, "ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!?!" So I tried to play it cool. I'll try and re-enact the MSN conversation of what happened through memory.

But first, a little background knowledge: Earlier, in December, we had a similar conversation that went like this:

Brianna - "just got off the phone with my friend...well hopefully he's more then a friend now."
Miles - "Oh, good for you."
Brianna - "I'm joking, but I was expecting a different answer then that"
Miles - "I know your joking, and I’m glad you were"
Brianna - "That’s better :)"

And now the conversation we had Friday the 7th:

Brianna - "Wow, some guy I used to work with just asked me out over MSN."
Miles - "Last time you said that to me it was a test."
Brianna - "Well this time it's not a test."
Miles - "Oh yea? So what did you have to say about him asking you out?"
Brianna - "Why would you care?"
....
Miles - "Because you a serious future prospect of mine, I really didn't want to tell you that over MSN, but i didn't have much of a choice. 1) I could let you go and not saying anything, giving u the impression that I dont care. Or 2) Speak up and tell you how i feel."
Brianna - "Omg, i can't believe this....FUCK....Miles what do i do!??! this shit ALWAYS happens to me, i swear im a fucking MAGNET for this shit!"
Miles - "What are u suppose to do? google it?"
Brianna - "Bad joke"
Miles - "Are you saying that you didn't think i would ask u out, could i have made it more obvious? i tell u constantly how much you mean to me, and you consistantly do the same to me, you would think that makes this mutual."
Brianna - "I didn't think you would want into a relationship this quickly."

Keep in mind that I've known her for about 2-3 months, talked to her everyday for about a month, and she is calling dating a relationship. Wait wait, let me go find the worlds smallest Violin, and we'll play it together.

I asked her if she liked me and she told me "Yes i have feelings for you, and i really wanted us to workout, but this is so complicated." I asked her what was so complicated, and she refused to answer, although I was able to figure it out, and so will you once you read the end of the logs at the bottom (she was putting me on hold for Joel). I then proceeded to ask her EXTREMLY assholeish questions that needed to be answered more then anything, i decided the push was worth the shove and proceeded on. I ask her if she just didn’t have the heart to turn me down or if she actually had to think about something. She reassured me of her feelings for me, and insisted that she just had to figure something out. I asked her if everything she said to me was bullshit, about me being special to her and meaning so much to her. Once again, reassurance that it was all true, i meant more then anything to her and she just had to figure something out. Then my most prized question! The one that i'm thinking made her cry, "Before you left for Esponola for Christmas break, you said that your going to miss me and how much i meant to you, but a couple hours before that u were sucking off my friend...why?". Of course she had a well planned out evasive answer to slide out of that, "Like, I don’t have time for this"......SMOOTH!!!! Lying would have worked too!

We continued to have a no holds bar conversation, I told her that I planned on asking her out next time I saw her, and that if her answer was "No", i was going to drop her off on the side of the road, between my house and her house, and just drive away making her walk home. I continued to tell her how fucking evil it is to lead a guy on, I don't give a fuck about your past relationships and where they went wrong, you dont dick around with a guy that has given you nothing but everything. After that she admitted, "I know, I’m so sorry for this, I wasn't leading u on because I actually have feelings for you".

Eventually she said, "Well technically you haven’t asked me out yet." This brought a couple "What the FUCK's" through my head, I decided to play her game, like i had done so many times before and popped the question. She said she would think about it, but if we had never gotten into an argument, she would have said yes. Alright.....now I don't care if that’s true, you don't say that to a guy who just accused you of being a slut without expecting something in return. My response? "Shut the fuck up and never say that again". Oooooh charming! Surprisingly she didn't block me and she had the balls to say the EXACT same thing about 15minutes later. I've had enough. "Fuck You", and i go offline. Of course this is where all the emotions I had are completely ignoring the undeniable fact that she is playing with me, and I begin thinking that maybe we can work this through. This conversation was about 8 hours long lasting from 11:00pm to 7:00am, so I'm clearly missing a shitload of information. But to summarize what happened after I told her to "fuck off", I came crawling back online about 10minutes later, and was surprised she was online. We apologize to each other and actually build our half-decent friendship up together. I repeat the same question to her atleast 3 times; "If you putting me on hold is just your way of saying no, it would be alot easier if u just said it now instead of dragging me along". Her response was always the same, "I'm so sorry Miles, i really have feelings for you and i want us to work out so much, I feel so bad that I can't give a good answer to you right now, but i PROMISE i'm not just dragging you along, i really don't know the answer". The clock dinged 7:00am and I was heading out of town to goto Toronto. I was about to spend the entire day around about 10,000 people off of ZERO hours sleep because of a woman that only had lies to tell me. Beautiful.

After I got home around 9pm, we continued where we left off and decided that, no matter what, we would still be friends. I knew in my head that this girl was a do or die, she was either playing me everynight for 2 months(which I started seriously considering once again at this point), or would turn out to be one of the best women ever. So friendships woulden't last very long if she said "no". Obviosuly saying that to her would seem almost as cold-hearted as telling her to "Fuck off", so i said what she wanted to hear. "Of course we'll be friends".

The next day she told me that she had nightmares the night before. I asked her what it was about and she replied, "It was you just standing there, and whenever i tried to talk to you, you said 'Sorry Brianna I don't talk to shit'", I really didn't care and shrugged it off. After this, she tells me that she had done some thinking about "us", and brought me a couple bullshit questions that I was able to answer with my own bullshit. She told me, "If we were dating, I'm not sure that I would be able to go with problems. Example, when I told you that I was working with someone who had braces in my Clinic class, you acted like it was no big deal". So the guy that tells you directly that you mean everything to him, in your words, "Without you, i never would have been able to get through the stress of exams", is getting questioned because he doesn't give a fuck about your class? I took this as her way of saying no, since it made minimal sense in my mind, so I told her, "Alright, then I guess we're better off friends". I had already given up on her when she told me that she "had to think about us", so it was alot easier to say then I would have guessed. Of course she replied with, "Well if thats what you think, ok. But I'm still not sure if im missing out on the perfect guy". Way to plant the seed of doubt in my fucking head. Another "concern" she had about me was that I act like i know everything, well, compared to you? I do.

OK, so we're back to being friends. I act as normally as possible, and it actually worked for about.....48 hours. We got along fairly well but I had old thoughts coming back to me. I knew she was into Joel earlier, and by what he said before Christmas (about her sucking him off) I didn't rule out the fact that she was still into him. As for Kyle, she always spoke pretty highly of him, saying "he's a good friend", and I assumed it was him that asked her out on Friday night, seeing how he used to work with her and also used to be interested in her. This is all pure speculation that I could be wrong about, but I figure she talks the same way to Kyle as she does to me and Joel (which is proved later, in the logs), with him liking her just the way I did. It all fell into place pretty effectively. Brianna was able to play 3 guys (probably 4 if kyle wasnt the one that asked her out) by relying on one thing. Trust. I started to understand why she handed out her trust so easily to me, it's because she wanted the same in return. If she could convince each guy that she trusts them 100%, then they would do the same to her in return, therefore not talking about how she says "I have feelings for you", to any other guy, because this would violate their trust. Basically keeping everyones mouth shut let her do anything she wanted to an individual guy.

Then a fact came back to me that I could easily rely on. I asked her friday, "If we were dating, would you tell Kyle and Joel?", she replied perfectly, "No, because that would make it seem like im embarresed to be dating you". I planned on putting the fact that I asked her out, out into the open for people to know, and also tell them that we were really into each other but extenuating circumstances stopped us from dating. Then if she said "Thats personal information Miles". I'd just use my handy line up there and ask why she is embarresed to admit it. So I told Joel that I asked her out, and got him to ask her what she thought about that. The plan was to either have her say "Yea we liked each other", or she could deny the whole thing and say, "Pffft Miles is a loser and I never liked him". Putting her between a rock and a hard place pretty much. The plan worked like a fucking charm like any other of my ideas, because the day I let a woman slither away from me is the day I lose my dick in a pencil sharpener.

Another layer to the plan was to tell Brianna, "I told Joel today that I asked you out". I played the innocent guy that did it out of honesty, telling her that "We're all friends, I dont think its a big deal for them to know we were into each other". She eventually agreed that it was no big deal. I told her this before she talked to Joel that day, just to make sure that I kept my innocence and wasn't talking behind her back, I wanted her to have minimal things to say back to me basically.

Later that night, she came home and I opened up a short conversation with her, and also Joel messaged me telling that he asked her about me asking her out. Her response, "Well i just told him 'maybe' to not break his heart". So I had all the answers now, and everything fell into place. Everything that everyone told me was right, i should have been more careful. And Joel, telling me to be careful, and Josh saying "uuuh id wrap it up"......yea they were right too, I just had a retarded way of ignoring all these facts. All these people knew from experiance what she does to guys, how she toys them around, but curiosity got the best of me and I had the exact same thing happen to me. It's kind of like talking about wet paint. When someone tells you that the paint is wet, you ask yourself.....is that paint really wet? So I went and tested it out myself, only to find out the yes, the paint was fucking wet.

The conversation that followed is lightly edited for spelling and punctuation, but is 99% word for word. Joel began talking to her like he knew everything about us, saying that i sent him all of our conversation logs. In reality I didn't, because I respected our privacy at the time, but i decided to play along to see where it was going. Her responses are pretty vague and meaningless, but its the best I could get.


Brianna says:
Did you send Joel any history?
Miles says:
What history
Miles says:
What do u mean
Brianna says:
our msn history
Miles says:
I don’t keep msn history
Brianna says:
Don’t lie to me
Miles says:
So I just copy pasted it all and sent it to him
Miles says:
I’m joking
Brianna says:
Did you honestly
Miles says:
No fuck
Miles says:
lol
Brianna says:
That’s not even fucking funny seriously
Brianna says:
Did you or didn't you
Brianna says:
Be honest with me and don't joke around
Miles says:
Yea I sent him all of Fridays stuff
Miles says:
Because I guess I’m not trustworthy
Brianna says:
k I don't even know what to say to you
Miles says:
Well u can start by telling me if u actually wanted to go out
Miles says:
Or if u just said that for shits and giggles
Brianna says:
No I’m not answering any more of your questions cause they just get passed along
Miles says:
Do u think they do?
Miles says:
or do u think someone can predict our conversations well enough to have a good idea as to what we’re talking about. Thus being able second guess yourself and your trust in others.
Brianna says:
Like what are you attempting to prove?
Miles says:
I’m not trying to prove anything; I’m just wondering if there is anything u want to say
Brianna says:
No because it just gets passed on
Miles says:
Well in that case

Fuck you

*goes offline*
Miles says:
Kidding hahaha
Brianna says:
I’m glad this is funny to you
Miles says:
Well u know what I’m laughing about
Miles says:
You proved me right about so much stuff
Miles says:
And u wonder why I think that I get everything right
Miles says:
It’s because I always am
Brianna says:
well that’s.......nice
Miles says:
Brianna I’m gonna admit it
Miles says:
u broke me like a fucking twig
Miles says:
And your gonna do that to alot of guys
Miles says:
Because everything u say to one guy just gets copy pasted on over to the next
Miles says:
And u just pick up all their hearts off the ground and stomp on them
Miles says:
its NOT nice
Brianna says:
I’m not the one copying and pasting
Miles says:
Seriously now
Miles says:
Are u in denial?
Miles says:
Or just have a hard time admitting that u got caught
Brianna says:
got caught what
Miles says:
Playing every guy u talk to
Miles says:
It’s funny because that should be my job but u convinced me to be nice and treat each women like they deserve respect for some unknown reason...and I thought it would be nice to have the same respect in return
Miles says:
Brianna says:
k clearly I don't want miles
Joel says:
Clearly that’s not what your convo says
Brianna says:
and i just wanna see what happens with you and candice
Joel says:
yeah thats bullshit

Miles says:
Thanks Brianna, I’m glad u still wanted to be "friends" though, and as for making ur dream a reality, I really don’t want to talk to shit anymore




Annnd thats where I hit the block butten. Now I'm writing this 2 days later with no regrets. I tell myself that I'm happy and proud of myself for dealing with all this bullshit, hoping that maybe if I tell myself it enough, I'll actually believe it. The reality, in my opinion is more of a relief, knowing the harsh truth is infinitely better then being bullshitted for weeks on end.

I'm sure anybody who reads this will ask why I wrote it, or think that I'm pathetic for writing over 5000 words about someone that doesn't even have a C size bra cup. I don't really have a good reason for writing this. Maybe I'm just trying to justify the situation, or make myself feel better by writing down everything that was said to me and analyze it as best i can. Who knows, maybe i'll keep this and show it to my kid one day. I can gurantee that anyone that reads this will look at me differently...it's not that i want sympathy or pity, i saw this coming and it's my own fault....i guess i just want people to...understand maybe? This has been the biggest "I told you so" i've ever gotten when it comes to the women stereo type. Their all skanks....yes even the ones that you think are special....SKANK!

I'm sure your asking if i would ever forgive Brianna. Ummm, right now obviously I'd like to say "No", but I think thats pretty unrealistic, I'm well aware that time heals alot of things and I'm sure there will be no hard feelings eventually. I'm also not usually a guy to hold a grudge against anyone, but I don't think it will ever be the same. If she said anything that teased me the slightest i'd probley tell her to shut her tramp face and ask her how many guys she says that to a day.

I fully predict that if she reads this, she will have a way of changing the minds of anyone who reads it, somehow making me look like the bad guy and being a pathetic kid who gets attached to someone so "easily". I really don't care if she says that, she knows shes full of bullshit and she doesn't care. The only time she cares is when other people start to clue in that she is complete bullshit, and she lashes out asking them what their trying to prove, and straining their trust with one another. So I woulden't be surprised if this whole document was a waste of time for me, i've prepared myself for that, and could care less. If there is one thing that has become appearant, it's that logical thinking is always better then thinking with emotions. If I could have listened to my head, I would have bailed ship long ago, but got dragged back because my emotions weren't done beating me into a bloody pulp yet. On the topic of Brianna reading this though, I could care less if Joel or Kyle sent this to her, she knows just about all the information in here so it's not a big secret, she can deny any of it if she wants, but denial is only going to get her so far, eventually she might want to admit that she played me like a piano, and if she did I could see us being friends in the future. I'd actually be curious as to what she has to say about it, but thats not a good enough reason for me to unblock her from MSN.

Some of my closer friends have asked me what I learned through all this. It got me thinking a little bit, and i bascially said, "If someone tells you the paint is wet, the paint is fucking wet."


Update: Joel has been dating brianna for about 2 months now I guess.


EDIT: I just re-read some my parts of that and realized I might sound a little arragant in the whole story lol, I just want to state that it was a pretty rough time and I was a teeny bit pissed at alot of things that wernt going right. I guess that whole story is just my pissed off venting, and I don't want to be known as an arrogant asshole all the time :D